We Teased You Before

But now it is here... behold...
The AB OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!
(I am totally scared to go to the bathroom right now.)

Round 1

Leave your comments ladies, though I'm not entirely sure we'll have a clear cut winner here. Uhh... no pun intended...

If our brains recover from being fried on these abs, we'll do another round before the movie comes out.

Letter To President Obama

Dear President Obama,

I worked very hard for you on the campaign trail. I canvassed. I called people. I covered my car in stickers. And now, I regret all of it. I'm a married, straight woman. I don't look like the typical GLBT ally. But I am. And your total disregard for their rights, most notably your reversal of your position on the Defense of Marriage Act, is disgraceful. The gay and lesbian community supported you during the election only to have you turn your back on them. It is ridiculous that a segment of the population is STILL being discriminated against all these years after the birth of the civil rights movement. Think about that for one moment. Without the civil rights movement, you would never be sitting in that oval office. Why are gay people any different? They deserve the right to be happy. I have so many friends here in South Florida who not only can't marry, but they can't even ADOPT CHILDREN because of close-minded, bigoted legislation. It's against what this country stands for. It's in direct conflict to what you stood for during your campaign.

I'm deeply disappointed in you. Unless you speak out on behalf of gay rights and reach out to the badly hurting and betrayed GLBT community, I will not be voting for you in 2012, even if it means I have to vote for a Republican or an Indepedent for the very first time in my life.

Sincerely,

Amy Doucette

This is TOTALLY Fake

I feel the need to tell you this up front, as plain as possible, because Amy and I got a teeny bit carried away. Go figure.

Anyway. Neither one of us has ever met Rob Pattinson, but we are both a tad obsessed with Twilight. And you know how our imaginations get carried away when we're obsessed...

We both agree that this is our most favorite fantasy interview so far. I say so far because we have much MUCH more up our sleeves.

So as you read this, please keep in mind that we've never met Rob Pattinson and this interview never happened. Except in my head. (Which by the way, is an awesome place to be.)

Here it goes...

Elaine: Good morning my caffeinated lovelies. We hope you're enjoying your drive to work. It's tough for us to get up this early too, but the RockChicks couldn't pass up the prime morning drive time slot, could we Ames?

Amy: [Passed out on the desk, her headphones askew on her head.] Uh?

Elaine: That is Amy-morning-speak for "Good point, Elaine. I agree with you one hundred percent." Hey, Leon? Amy needs her stuff.

[Leon, longtime RockChicks producer, co-conspirator and freshly, not to mention necessarily, licensed bail bondsman, comes in with a can of Diet Mountain Dew. He pokes a straw in it and angles the end toward Amy's lips. She downs the soda in a few gulps and sits up]

Elaine: She lives! Hey Ames, did you do your prep for today's show?

Amy: I don't remember.

Elaine: Seriously? So you don't remember who's here today?

Amy: Uhh…no.

[For the first time, Amy takes a close look at Elaine and realizes that Elaine is wearing her eyeliner in the bad ass rock star way that Jason from Louis XIV showed her on his last visit. She somehow managed get her hair into a sexy, tussled look, rather than the usual rat’s nest. She capped it all off with a deep v-neck top to show off the red apple charm that is settled less-than-subtly just above her cleavage.]

Elaine: Want a hint?

Amy: Sure.

[Elaine punches a button on the board and "Supermassive Black Hole" pumps into the studio, making the windows vibrate.]

Amy: No. Nooooo…..are you serious?

Elaine: You really forgot? I can't believe it. You've been talking about this for months, since we scored the interview. Now the day is finally here and you totally forgot?

Amy: Oh crap. CRAP! I look like I got backhanded by the ugly stick this morning! I didn't even brush my hair! Why didn't you call me last night?!

Elaine: Uhhh…. I was prepping.

Amy: Holy mother of God. Is he really here?

Elaine: Yup! Ok all you RockChick fans out there. If you listen to the show a lot, which I KNOW you all do, then you know all about our little obsession with the Twilight series…

Leon: [coming in on the line, aghast] Little?

Elaine: YOUUUU…just…be quiet Mr. Can-you-guys-hook-me-up-with-Alice.

Amy: How long do I have?

Elaine: Exactly three minutes.

Amy: Ffffffffffuck.

Leon and Elaine: AMES!

Amy: Sorry. There's enough money in the FCC jar to cover it since I lost that bet with Mariska Hargitay…. [stares dreamily into space]

Leon: Two minutes.

Amy: Aw hell. He's too young for me, so it doesn’t really matter, I guess… [She grabs her brush from the emergency caboodle stashed under the desk and runs it furiously through her hair anyway. She mutters a thanks to the gods of all things girly when she finds her favorite peppermint lip gloss and quickly smears some on.]

Elaine: Nice recovery, Ames. Ok folks, it's time. This gentleman had the huge task of playing Edward Cullen, the super hot, brooding, sexy vampire in Twilight. Before he graced the screen and turned Amy and me into Mrs. Robinsons, he starred alongside another of our favorites, Daniel Radcliffe, in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Amy: Which is weird, because I didn't really think he was hot in that movie.

Elaine: He was good looking, but the bathtub scene stole the show.

Amy: Agreed.

Elaine: Anyway, Amy and I saw Twilight together, and then saw it apart a few times. The DVD came out two days ago and it's been on nonstop rotation. New Moon comes out in six months, so we begged and pleaded…

Amy: Granted sexual favors…

Elaine: Baked cupcakes…

Amy: I walked his agent's dogs while she was out of town…

Elaine: You get the point. We went through a lot to get this interview. Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Robert Pattinson.

[Clip of Muse song plays once more, a little softer.]

[Rob walks in and Amy bites down hard on her lip to keep from saying something entirely inappropriate. He's clean-shaven, wearing snug dark jeans and a navy sweater. In what can only be a tribute to the fans, his hair is styled like Edward’s. Unlike most first time guests of the show, he doesn’t look scared to be in the studio.]

Rob: Hello!

[Elaine and Amy sit in awe, and several seconds of dead air crackle while Rob puts on his headphones and leans back in his chair.]

Elaine: Whoa. Uh…Hi. Hello, Rob. It's so great to have you here.

Amy: Mmm Hmmm.

Rob: It's good to be here. This is the first interview I've done since the DVD was released.

Elaine: Oh, [a little breathless] we lucked out, there. So, Rob…Tell us what it's really like to be the object of obsession for so many teenage girls.

Rob: Um…surreal. I experienced a taste of it [Elaine whimpers a little] when I was in Goblet of Fire, but absolutely nothing compared to this.

Amy: I heard that you have girls camped outside your apartment.

Rob: Yeah. I stepped outside to get the newspaper in my bathrobe and several of them passed out in my hedges. I had to call an ambulance.

Elaine: Do you miss the freedom to be able to walk down the street and not be molested by pre-pubes wearing those “your scent is like a drug to me” t-shirts?

Amy: Hey! I have that shirt! [Rob laughs at Amy and Elaine giggles at Rob.]

Rob: Well, I do miss the anonymity, but it's a great story and working with Kristen is worth it. And at least it’s not men chasing after me.

Elaine: Good point.

Amy: So, Rob, have you ever heard this show before?

Rob: A lot actually. Whenever I’m in town. Dan still talks about what you guys made him do when he was here. [Grins and nods at the photo on the wall of the RockChicks and a wide-eyed, slightly panicked Daniel Radcliffe.]


Elaine and Amy: That guy will never be the same.

Rob: Probably not.

Amy: So, anyway, if we know that someone has a unique talent, we try to get them to display it on the show…

Elaine: That’s all we were trying to do with Dan… I mean, he was naked in Equus in front of thousands of people. I still don’t see what the big deal was…

[Rob chuckles. Elaine swoons.]

Amy: Me either. So, we know that you play several instruments. Would you mind playing something for us?

Rob: No, of course not. What would you prefer?

Amy and Elaine: Piano.

Rob: Sure, no problem.

[Leon rolls in a Baby Grand piano, mumbling curses under his breath. Rob gets up and stretches his long fingers out as he sits at the piano stool. He takes a deep breath and begins playing Chopin’s “Raindrop Prelude.” Elaine and Amy watch in rapture as his hands slide over the keys. He closes his eyes as he plays and the muscles in his back tighten as he bends over the piano.]

Elaine: [whispering to Amy] Oh my.

Amy: Yuh.

Elaine: [still whispering] I hate you for spending all the money in the FCC jar. I need a bad word!

[Amy shrugs]

[He finishes the piece, bows and returns to his chair as the RockChicks clap. Even Leon looks impressed as he comes out to wheel the piano away.]

Rob: Thank you.

Amy: Wow. Um…Wow.

Rob: My mum made me take piano lessons as a kid. I guess I owe her some gratitude now.

Elaine: Thanks Rob’s mom.

Amy: So, we've been wondering what you think of, uh... plural marriage.

Rob: I thought polygamy was illegal in the states.

Elaine: Polygamy. Rob! We're talking about a mere social contract here.

Rob: Well, I thought you had Joe Perry and Amy had Trent Reznor already.

Elaine: You really DO listen to the show!

Rob: I wouldn't lie about that.

Amy: Uhh...

Elaine: Ames, I'm getting turned on in a way I never expected. He actually listens to us.

Amy: I know! This is the best candidate we've ever had for a third husband.

Rob: Third?

Elaine: Well, Jim and Joe Perry.

Amy: And Matt and Trent Reznor.

Rob: Oh, right. So I guess that makes me the young, pretty one. [smiles wickedly]

[Elaine and Amy moan softly]

Elaine: You know, normally I wouldn't let anyone get away with calling my men old.

Amy: But you're so hot. [Elaine nods in agreement.]

[Rob chuckles. Leon rolls his eyes.]

Elaine: We are so gonna fight over the schedule, Ames.

Amy: Yuh.

Rob: So, can I try something here?

Elaine: Absolutely!

Amy: Do you want to make one of us your spider monkey?

Elaine: Ohh!

Rob: [shaking his head and smiling] Actually, I was thinking of one word answer time. Except I would ask the questions and you two would answer.

Elaine & Amy: Ooh!

Elaine: Let's do it!

Amy: Definitely!

Elaine: I've never done it this way before.

Amy: Me neither.

Rob: I'm honored to be the first. [Another wicked grin, he's too good at that!]

[Elaine and Amy stare, wide-eyed]

Rob: Ok, Twilight.

Amy: Rob. Hot.

Elaine: Bella

Rob: That's interesting. And Amy, I'm sorry, but just one word.

Amy: I'll try.

Rob: New Moon.

Amy: Hot. I mean Rob. I mean Hot. I mean HOTROB. Yeah. HotRob.

Elaine: [trying not to laugh at Amy] Excited.

Rob: Stringing several words together so they appear to be one word won’t work either. Play by the rules or risk getting punished. [grins playfully.] OK…Um…Vampire.

Amy: Rob Pattinson is the world’s hottest vampire. OK. Punish me. Now. [grins]

[Rob busts out laughing. Elaine shakes her head in exasperation.]

Elaine: Ahem… excuse my co-host. She’s on a Mountain Dew kick. It happens. Um…Vampire…hmmm…Strong?

Amy: I liked mine better.

Rob: Dan Radcliffe.

Elaine: Restraining.

Amy: Order.

[Rob nods and unleashes a knee-melting smile]

Rob: Ok, one more. This is to prove that I really do listen to your show. Jon Stewart.

Elaine: [blushing slightly] Handcuffs.

Amy: Olive Oil.

[Silence as Rob stares at the two of them.]

Rob: What in bloody hell did you do to that guy? C’mon…you can tell me.

Elaine and Amy: [resolve weakening] No…

Elaine: [mumbling] Damn court order…

[Rob removes his headphones and goes over to the other side of the table. His voice is muffled for the listeners as he bends down between Amy and Elaine.]

Rob: You’re going to force me to do it.

Elaine: Do what? [Elaine is dazed and her hands are suddenly shaking. Amazingly enough, the Diet Dew Queen is rock solid.]

Rob: Talk like this. [Suddenly starts speaking in the refined, smooth voice he used as Edward.]

Amy: Oh crap. No, don’t do that.

Rob: Please? What’s a vampire have to do to get the truth?

[Elaine emits a little squeak.]

Amy: Alright! Alright. We’ll tell you what happened.

Elaine: If you promise to keep talking in your Edward voice for the rest of the interview.

Rob: I can do that. Now tell me what happened to Jon.

[Rob leans in and the RockChicks whisper the tragic events in his ear. He leans back fast and shakes his head looking, amusingly enough, just like his pal Dan in the photo.]

Rob: Noooo…

Amy and Elaine: Yeah.

Rob: [recovers quickly] How did you get the chocolate syrup off the walls?

Elaine: Oxyclean.

Rob: Interesting. I’ll have to remember that one.

Amy: We keep a stockpile of that stuff in the storage closet. You’d be surprised what it gets off walls and carpet.

Rob: Huh. So, do you still have the handcuffs?

Elaine: Oh, yeah. I’m not gonna just toss a souvenir like that.

Rob: Where are they?

[Amy and Elaine freeze, considering. And also a little distracted by the thought of Rob in handcuffs.]

Elaine: They’re in the emergency caboodle. Why?

Rob: Well, I wanted to see whether they were furry.

Amy: [Eyebrow lifted.] I’m not buying it.

Elaine: Me, neither.

Rob: Why not? [He starts to get up to move back to his headphones and mic, but Amy and Elaine each grab an arm. With amazing speed, Leon appears and reconfigures mics, headphones and chairs so that Rob stays right in between them. Amy and Elaine do not let go of Rob until Leon is done.] I’m beginning to think you girls really don’t need handcuffs.

Amy: No, not so much.

Elaine: But they are a fun prop.

Rob: So bring ‘em out. [the three of them exchange conspiratorial smiles]

Elaine: Tell you what, I’ll make a deal with you.

Amy: This should be interesting.

Elaine: Don’t worry, Ames, you’ll like it.

Rob: Uh oh.

[Amy and Elaine laugh evilly.]

Elaine: We’ll break out the Jon Stewart handcuffs. But only if you promise to come back.

Rob: Ok.

Elaine: AND

Rob: Uh oh.

Elaine: Bring Jasper, I mean, Jackson Rathbone, with you and we all play baseball.

Amy: Ooooh! Good one!

Elaine: I told you you’d like it. [big grin, points to the tattered venn diagram pinned to the wall]

Rob: You know, I’m going to see Jackson, Taylor and Kellan in a few weeks for post-production work.

Amy: [deep intake of air] I'm not sure I can handle all of you in the same place at the same time. My head might explode.

Elaine: Leon, we need you to bring in the contract and also, some chocolate syrup, please.

Rob: Contract? You mean you don’t trust me?

Elaine: Oh, I trust you, Rob. The contract is for our plural marriage.

Rob: I see. So, if we’re married, does that mean I get to come on the show whenever I want?

Amy: You can come all the time. [Amy’s brow is arched devilishly.] OW! [Elaine kicks her under the table, but winks simultaneously.] Hey! Cut it out, woman! I still have a scar from the time I told Joe Perry about your high school hairstyle!

Elaine: THAT one was SO deserved! But the coming comment was actually pretty tame in comparison to some of the other things that have fallen out of your mouth, so I apologize. This time.

Amy: Thanks.

[Leon walks in with a stack of paperwork and a bottle of Hershey’s syrup.]

Leon: I expect my bonus to be HUGE this year.

Amy: [puts on her fake I’m-looking-at-a-contract-and-need-to-look-smart eyeglasses and flips slowly through the contract] Mondays, Wednesdays…I’m fine with every other Saturday. OK. This part looks interesting…

Elaine: So, Rob…while Amy is perusing the contract, how about I ask you a few more questions.

Rob: Absolutely.

Elaine: Great! So…I heard that you asked Kristen Stewart to marry you several times while filming Twilight. Explain.

Rob: [rolls his eyes] That again. I’m never going to live that down, am I?

Elaine: I’m not asking as an interviewer. I’m asking you as your future plural wife.

Rob: I asked her twice, and it was a joke both times. She’s really hot, though…

Amy: [looks up from the contract, highlighter in hand] Yeah she is! Can we write her into the contract too?

Rob: I don’t think it counts if the person isn’t here to sign it.

Amy: Meh…details. [goes back to the contract]

Elaine: Ahem! So, the marriage proposals were not serious?

Rob: No.

Amy: [head snaps up] I have a question.

Rob: OK.

Elaine: [raised eyebrow] You said you listen to the show, Rob…

Rob: I do, that's why I'm suddenly nervous.

Elaine: When Amy says she has a question like that, it's ALWAYS trouble.

Rob: [winks and stares seductively at them, then in his best Edward imitation:] I think I can keep up.

[both Rockchicks groan]

Amy: Let me preface this by saying that I already had an immense dislike for Tyra Banks because of her whole segment called, "Oh no you didn't, oh yes we did, oh no you didn't, oh yes we did."

Rob: Seriously?

Elaine: I still don’t get how you remember the name of that segment.

Amy: It’s burned into my brain permanently, kinda like the lyrics to Ice, Ice Baby.

Rob: Wow. I had no idea her show was that…annoying. We don’t get it in England.

Amy: Lucky. Anyway, the fact that she asked you to bite her not only inspired a disturbing amount of jealousy on my part, but it also made me wonder how many people you are going around biting.

Rob: She's the only one, BUT…I didn't actually bite her.

Amy: You didn’t?

Rob: No. My lips never actually touched her. It was all camera angles.

Amy: [speechless for a beat] Well, that makes my question so much easier!

Elaine: Oh God, Ames, PLEASE don't do it!

Amy: Oh, I'm doin' it... Rob, since your lovely lips were not soiled by Tyra, will you bite me?

Elaine: ARGH!! I HAD FAITH IN YOU! I JUST LOST 50 BUCKS!...TO LEON OF ALL PEOPLE!

Leon: HAH!

Rob: [chuckling] Of course I will.

[both women stop short and stare]

Rob: Come on, after what you did to Dan and what I now know you did to Jon Stewart [blanches]… I knew it was coming. I'd be happy to.

Amy: Um…yay? I wasn't expecting you to say yes.

Elaine: I don't believe this. We're turning into TRL! And I need a bad word again, damn it!

Amy: You're just jealous you didn't ask him first.

Rob: So, are you ready?

Amy: [whispers] Yes.

[Elaine glares for a moment, but as Rob shifts his body toward Amy, she can't help but be oddly fascinated]

[Rob leans over Amy, wraps his arm around her waist and literally bites her neck, leaving a brief red indent of teeth marks]

Amy: Holy crap… [Amy promptly passes out.]

Rob: Oh no! Is she OK?

Elaine: She's fine. Leon will be out in just a second with the smelling salts. In the meantime, while she's out…

Rob: Uh-oh.

Elaine: If you listen to the show, then you know what I want. [The frustration over losing 50 bucks to Leon is replaced by an incredibly devious look.]

Rob: I do.

Elaine: OK then.

[Rob stands up, steps behind Elaine and bends down to her ear. In a voice that could only be described as sensuous…]

Rob: You better hold on tight, spider monkey.

[Elaine's cheeks flame and her knuckles are white as she grips the side of the table. Amy picks that moment to wake up.]

Amy: Ohhhh…what did I miss?

Elaine: He did it.

Amy: CRAP! I missed it??!

Elaine: THAT is for my fifty bucks!

Amy: Was it everything you imagined?

Elaine: I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

[Amy leans over Rob to give Elaine a high five. Both chicks have huge smiles on their faces. Rob looks a little confused.]

Rob: I’m sorry, what?

Amy: Don’t worry, Rob. Fear of the bathroom means you have done an excellent job.

Elaine: Beyond excellent.

Rob: I’m still confused.

Amy: I think you should tell him.

Elaine: I don’t know. He hasn’t even signed the contracts yet. [looking slightly uncomfortable]

Rob: You told me about Jon Stewart. How could this possibly be any worse?

[Elaine considers.]

Amy: He makes a good point.

Elaine: [sighs and blushes all at once. Rob clearly looks amused.] Ok. But I can’t tell you on the air.

[Rob pulls off his headphones and leans his ear closer to Elaine. Elaine pushes away her mic – just to be safe – and leans much closer than is actually necessary to explain. When she finishes, she sits back, blushing, watching Rob through her fingers. He sits back and crosses his arms, looking very proud of himself.]

Amy: [laughing] See, Rob, I told you it was nothing to worry about.

Rob: [putting headphones back on and still looking proud] Nope. Nothing to worry about there. But I wonder…

[Elaine moans.]

Amy: Yes?

Rob: I wonder if I could render the bathroom fear completely unnecessary. [Shoots Elaine a look that is so lusty it should be illegal, then sends the same look to Amy.]

[There is complete radio silence for three full minutes until Leon finally breaks in.]

Leon: Hey, Rob?

Rob: Yeah?

Leon: While their brains, or whatever, are frying over there, I have a question for you.

Rob: Sure.

Leon: Sooooo… I was wondering if maybe when you come back for the baseball thing, if maybe you could bring Alice.

Rob: You mean Ashley?

Leon: Huh huh huh. [ala Beavis and Butt-head] Yeah. Can you? Please?

Rob: No need to beg, mate. I’ll see what I can do.

[Leon looks happy for the first time ever in all of his years of producing the Rockchicks radio show.]

Amy: [finally coming out of her trance] Sweet. Now we don’t have to worry about his Christmas bonus.

Elaine: Huh?

Rob: Welcome back, ladies. [grins all around]

Amy: Hey, so, Elaine, are you all there yet?

Elaine: Almost.

Amy: Ok, so I think we need to talk about Taylor.

Elaine: [snapping to attention] You’re right. We do.

Rob: What about him?

Amy: Well…

Elaine: AB OFF!

Amy: [laughing] Hold on, sister!

Rob: [looking confused again] What?

Elaine: [to Amy] That would do it you know.

Amy and Rob: Do what?

Elaine: Render the bathroom fear completely unnecessary. There would be absolutely no need.

Amy: I think you’re right.

Rob: [looking very curious] Ok. Tell me what it is.

Amy: Ok, a little back story first, since Elaine jumped the gun.

Elaine: [grinning sheepishly] Sorry!

Amy: Totally understandable. Anyway, Rob. There has been a lot in the press about Taylor buffing up for New Moon.

Rob: Yes. I’ve noticed some of the pictures around the studio.

[Elaine and Amy glance at the life-sized cardboard cutout of Taylor in the corner. Leon had stuck a post-it to his chest that said “jail bait.” It was still there.]

Amy: And the Twilight movie was excellent about staying true to the book.

Rob: [starting to look impatient] Yesssss

Elaine: And you totally lose your shirt in Italy!

Rob: [chuckling] So it would seem.

Amy: So we were wondering if you were preparing for that the way Taylor was.

Rob: Oh. Sure. But, well, you know, Jacob and Edward have two totally different physiques.

Elaine: But according to Bella, you are both completely built so… [Elaine leans forward to look at Amy]

Elaine and Amy: AB OFF!

Rob: [looking a little scared] Wait, you want to compare my abs to Taylor’s?

Amy and Elaine: Yuh!

Rob: [looking more scared] Now?

[Leon plays some stripper music in the background. Elaine and Amy giggle.]

Amy: Hey, if you wanna take your shirt off, I’m not gonna stop you.

Elaine: Uh unh.

Rob: Ummm. You haven’t signed the contracts?

Elaine: PENS! WHERE ARE THE PENS!

Amy: [shaking out contracts, looking for a pen] Gah!

Rob: [mumbling under his breath] I have a whole new appreciation for Dan’s fear.

[Leon turns up before either of them can call him with a box of blue pens. Rob is suddenly wide-eyed with fear.]

Rob: Leon. You’re a guy. You’re supposed to be on my side!

Leon: Sorry, they sign my paychecks. And I hope this doesn’t make you change your mind about Ashley.

[Elaine and Amy furiously sign and toss papers back and forth to each other. It takes no more than one minute for them to have all of the contracts signed, initialed and stacked in front of Rob. Rob is shocked, but appears to be collecting his thoughts.]

Rob: [with pen in hand, pulling a contract toward him] OK. I’ll make another deal with you.

Amy: We’re listening.

Rob: This bathroom thing. It’s important that I do that on my own. I can’t go and let Taylor take partial credit for that.

Elaine: Ooh a man, who likes a challenge.

Amy: I can appreciate that.

Rob: [signs the first contract, Elaine and Amy both take a deep breath] So. I think you give me a chance to achieve that first, on my own.

Elaine: A reasonable request.

Amy: But we still want to see the abs.

Rob: [holding up his hand in between signing] If I can’t render the bathroom fear useless by the time we all come back for baseball, then I will convince Taylor to do an in-person…uh…“ab off.”

Elaine: Oooohhhhh

Amy: Uhhhh. Will we get to touch?

Rob: [doesn’t look up from the contract] You guys want wake-up calls? [shaking head, but signing anyway] We’ll have to negotiate with Taylor, but I don’t have a problem with it.

Elaine: Ames, this is our best interview ever.

Amy: I know, we should just call it a day now.

Rob: And miss baseball? [signs the last contract with a flourish]

Amy and Elaine: HELL NO!


[Leon appears again before he can be summoned to notarize the contracts. Before he leaves the room again, he puts a jar of Oxyclean on the table near Amy. Rob raises an eye brow. ]

Rob: Since we aren’t skipping baseball, shall we go practice our swinging? I mean, swings, ladies?

[Rob’s song “Never Think” begins playing, and the RockChicks are so engrossed in him that they completely forget to close the show. They leave their headphones on the table and follow Rob out the studio door, one on each side, Elaine having enough sense to grab the chocolate syrup on her way out. Rob puts a hand around both of their waists and looks a tiny bit dazed, but mostly very proud that he survived the RockChicks intact.]

[After everyone has left, the show is still on the air. Rob’s song ends and Leon looks up to find no one in the studio. Seeing a rare opportunity, he runs in and slaps the headphones over his head]

Leon: Um… hi. This is Leon. I just wanted to say…

[Amy and Elaine pop their head in the studio door]

Amy: AHEM! What are you doing?

Leon: Nothing!! Have a great help me day folks they’re crazy and catch the RockChicks again tomorrow at 7 AM! See ya!

It Really Happened.

I'm still in shock. A very, very, very happy shock.

I Don't Mean to Sound Bitter

But I am.

Way back in 2000 I wasn't the biggest Al Gore fan. I thought he was kinda whiny and I really wasn't too keen on Tipper Gore and all her fun with censorship. Back then, Bush had this great spin machine going that made him look charismatic and exciting. They actually convinced people to vote for the guy who wasn't smarter than you. I didn't understand why that made sense to people then and I still don't now.

In anycase, because I am a big government dweeb, I was excited when he was inaugurated -- just as I was excited when Clinton was -- and secretly I couldn't wait to see where W. would take us. Well, about a week into his term, Bush immediately began stripping people of their rights. Or at the very least, made it more difficult for people to exercise those rights. He started introducing faith-based legislation and I cringed, hoping that the checks and balances would take care of it. I was so niave.

After September 11th I took a moment to reconsider Bush. My knee jerk reaction was to blow the hell out of the Middle East, but he took a more measured approach. When I finally calmed down, I respected that. But it wasn't long before he set his eyes on Iraq. And any positive opinion I may have had for him completely disappeared.

George W. Bush says he believes in the sanctity of life. If that is true, how could he send so many to slaughter?

I recognize that this is an argument that we've all had many times and that most of the people who are reading this may not agree with me whole-heartedly, but I've found that lately we all agree more than we disagree.

So rather than beat a dead horse, on the eve of Bush's departure, amid all of the fanfare over our new president, I would like to take a quiet moment to honor the men and women who have given their lives for our country. Would things have worked out differently if Bush hadn't taken the reigns in 2000? We'll never know. But to everyone who has lost someone to our wars, to our disasters, I am truly sorry. I hope that you can find peace.

Here is the latest tally from the Pentagon:

Afghanistan

There have been 1,050 coalition deaths -- 634 Americans, eight Australians, 141 Britons, 107 Canadians, three Czech, 21 Danes, 18 Dutch, three Estonians, one Finn, 23 French, 25 Germans, two Hungarians, 12 Italians, one Latvian, one Lithuanian, three Norwegians, eight Poles, two Portuguese, eight Romanians, one South Korean, 25 Spaniards, two Swedes -- in the war on terror as of January 19, 2009, according to a CNN count. The troops died in support of the U.S.-led Operation Enduring Freedom or were part of the NATO-led International Security Assistance Force (ISAF) in Afghanistan. At least 2,648 U.S. personnel have been wounded in action, according to the Pentagon.

Iraq

There have been 4,542 coalition deaths -- 4,226 Americans, two Australians, one Azerbaijani, 178 Britons, 13 Bulgarians, one Czech, seven Danes, two Dutch, two Estonians, one Fijian, five Georgians, one Hungarian, 33 Italians, one Kazakh, one Korean, three Latvians, 22 Poles, three Romanians, five Salvadoran, four Slovaks, 11 Spaniards, two Thai and 18 Ukrainians -- in the war in Iraq as of January 19, 2009, according to a CNN count. At least 30,960 U.S. troops have been wounded in action, according to the Pentagon.

Hurricane Katrina

1,836

Total: 7,428

That number keeps me awake at night. What about you, Mr. Bush?

Please Watch This

I Voted!

YAY! You have no idea how happy I am. Like a complete dork, I absolutely LOVE voting. Anyway, I was in and out of my precint in 10 minutes. So don't worry about all the stories on the news. Just get out there and vote!

--E

Best. Jab. EVER.

Just saw the new Obama ad. It has no sound, but boy, its message comes through loud and clear. Heh heh.

Colin Powell is my #2 Hero

Not only was this a resounding, incredibly powerful and influential endorsement, but someone FINALLY touched on something important: For all the people that say "Obama is a muslim".... SO WHAT IF HE IS? This was so beautiful. It is impossible to watch Powell talk about the muslim soldier without tearing up. It's so true. What is all this negativity toward the islamic faith saying to all the islamic children in the USA? That they can never aspire to be president?

ENOUGH. If you don't want to listen to me, listen to Mr. Powell. OBAMA/BIDEN '08!

This is what it's all about.

Saw this photo and tears rolled down my cheeks. This is what this campaign has meant all along and this is what Obama's presidency will do. Bring people together to rise above it all and lift each other up. 100,000 people.

100,000.

OK, so I MIGHT have lost my temper....

...when I saw a blog post about how McCain "turned the momentum" last night at the last debate. WTF? So, I took it upon myself to post this to the woman's blog. I just couldn't help myself.


I hate to be the one to break it to you, but John McCain most certainly did not change anything last night. I used to respect him until he let his campaign turn into one big lying fest of hatred.

Let me explain something to you. Under the Republicans, the philosophy has been SPEND, SPEND, SPEND. ASTRONOMICAL debt. Borrowing from China. No end in sight. Billions of dollars wasted in Iraq. Deregulations and tax breaks for giant oil companies.

I would MUCH rather have a "TAX AND SPEND" (such a trite, overused phrase, by the way, where is your originality?) Democrat in power than a SPEND SPEND SPEND Republican who will leave my daughter and her generation with debt up to their eyeballs. Out of the last four presidents, who left us with a surplus? Reagan? NO. Bush #1? NO. Bush #2? NO. IT WAS CLINTON. He was the only president in the last 20 years to leave us with a healthy surplus only to have it not only erased, but turned into MASSIVE debt by the disastrous policies of W. How many times does Obama have to say that IF YOU MAKE UNDER $250,000 YOU WILL GET A TAX BREAK for you to get it? Does he have to sky write it? Maybe he has to start a whisper campaign, because that seems to be the only way most neocons ever listen to ANYTHING.

I guess the Republicans are so used to being lied to by THEIR OWN PARTY about taxes ("READ MY LIPS") that they assume everyone is lying about it. That's really sad.

McCain can't stand on his own two feet about economic issues. He's been so aligned with Bush that it's almost impossible to tell their decisions apart when put side-by-side. So, hey, if you like the way the country is going, with thousands of foreclosures, sky-high gas prices and a 6% unemployment rate, then go ahead and vote for McCain. Don't you worry, though. Those of us who are paying attention and NOT drinking the GOP's kool-aid will rescue the rest of you by voting OBAMA this election. You're welcome.

Scary Stories

October is typically the month for horror flicks and scary stories. But an opinion piece in today's NY Times is much scarier to me than a haunted house. For your consideration:

October 13, 2008
Abortion Rights on the Ballot, Again

Once again this year, opponents of women’s reproductive rights have managed to get initiatives aimed at ending or limiting abortion rights on ballots — in South Dakota, Colorado and California. These measures, which violate women’s privacy and threaten their health, have implications far beyond those states. If voters approve them, they will become a weapon in the right-wing campaign to overturn Roe v Wade.

The South Dakota initiative is a near twin of the sweeping abortion ban handily rejected by South Dakota voters just two years ago. To make the ban seem less harsh, its backers have included language purporting to make exceptions for incest, rape or the life and health of the mother. But no one should be fooled. The exceptions were drafted to make it nearly impossible to get an abortion, even during the first trimester of pregnancy.

The measure is clearly unconstitutional under existing Supreme Court rulings, and that’s just the point. The underlying agenda is to provide a vehicle for challenging Roe v. Wade, the 1973 decision that legalized abortion.

The Colorado ballot proposal attacks Roe v. Wade by a different route. Known as Amendment 48, this preposterous measure would redefine the term “person” in the state’s Constitution to include fertilized human eggs — in effect bestowing on fertilized eggs, prior to implantation in the womb and pregnancy, the same legal rights and protections that apply to people once they are born.

The amendment, which has split anti-abortion groups, carries broad implications, ranging from harmful to downright ridiculous. Potentially, it could ban widely used forms of contraception, curtail medical research involving embryos, criminalize necessary medical care and shutter fertility clinics. A damaged fertilized egg might be eligible for monetary damages.

Noting the “legal nightmare” the amendment would create, and its potential to endanger the health of women, Gov. Bill Ritter, a self-described “pro-life” Democrat, has joined the opposition to Amendment 48.

In California, meanwhile, abortion opponents have put the issue of parental notification on the ballot for the third time in four years. The proponents of Proposition 4 say mandating notification is necessary to safeguard underage girls. But most 15-year-olds who find themselves pregnant instinctively turn to a parent for support and guidance. Far from protecting vulnerable teens, Proposition 4 would make it difficult for young women caught in abusive situations to obtain an abortion without notifying their parents, even in cases where the father or stepfather is responsible for the pregnancy.

If approved, Proposition 4 would inevitably drive some to attempt a self-induced abortion or to seek the procedure later in pregnancy. California voters were right to reject this damaging approach on the first two attempts. They should do so again.

A few random thoughts.

Hello world! It's been SOOOO long since I posted anything (this is Amy) that I thought I would throw my two cents in on a few things. So, here they are.

1. Elaine sent me underwear with Obama's picture on the butt. They are the single coolest item of clothing I own. I just wish I could show people without getting arrested.
2. We have a FAN. A FAN! HI ALEX FROM GERMANY! I seriously thought that we put this stuff out here for our own gratification and that no one ever reads it. But at least one person does. Yay Alex. Yay Germany. Whooooooo hooooooo!!!
3. I miss live music desperately. I haven't been to a show since....Radiohead? I think?
4. I love my new job. I finally FINALLY found a place I don't dread going to everyday.
5. I am still on a mission to find and marry Trent Reznor. It doesn't matter that I'm already married. We'll move to Utah or something.
6. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN BOUGHT A HOUSE LESS THAN 3 MILES FROM MY HOUSE! I want to try to use my position as equestrian journalist to get an interview with him, since he did move here so his daughter could ride during the winter circuit. I am DETERMINED.
   
7. On that note, I watched Springsteen's rally for Obama the other night and when he did an acoustic version of "The Rising," I burst into tears. I love that song, I've always loved that song, but now it's tied to this beautiful Obama thing that has inspired me so much.
   

that's about it. I am in the process of writing a NEW fantasy interview, since it's been so long since we've had one up. All I need is to pick a person, which I haven't done yet.

Stay tuned.

The New York Times Made My Day Today

And I still miss "The West Wing"

Aaron Sorkin Conjures a Meeting of Obama and Bartlet
By MAUREEN DOWD
Published: September 20, 2008

Now that he’s finally fired up on the soup-line economy, Barack Obama knows he can’t fade out again. He was eager to talk privately to a Democratic ex-president who could offer more fatherly wisdom — not to mention a surreptitious smoke — and less fraternal rivalry. I called the “West Wing” creator Aaron Sorkin (yes, truly) to get a read-out of the meeting. This is what he wrote:

BARACK OBAMA knocks on the front door of a 300-year-old New Hampshire farmhouse while his Secret Service detail waits in the driveway. The door opens and OBAMA is standing face to face with former President JED BARTLET.

BARTLET Senator.

OBAMA Mr. President.

BARTLET You seem startled.

OBAMA I didn’t expect you to answer the door yourself.

BARTLET I didn’t expect you to be getting beat by John McCain and a Lancôme rep who thinks “The Flintstones” was based on a true story, so let’s call it even.

OBAMA Yes, sir.

BARTLET Come on in.

BARTLET leads OBAMA into his study.

BARTLET That was a hell of a convention.

OBAMA Thank you, I was proud of it.

BARTLET I meant the Republicans. The Us versus Them-a-thon. As a Democrat I was surprised to learn that I don’t like small towns, God, people with jobs or America. I’ve been a little out of touch but is there a mandate that the vice president be skilled at field dressing a moose —

OBAMA Look —

BARTLET — and selling Air Force Two on eBay?

OBAMA Joke all you want, Mr. President, but it worked.

BARTLET Imagine my surprise. What can I do for you, kid?

OBAMA I’m interested in your advice.

BARTLET I can’t give it to you.

OBAMA Why not?

BARTLET I’m supporting McCain.

OBAMA Why?

BARTLET He’s promised to eradicate evil and that was always on my “to do” list.

OBAMA O.K. —

BARTLET And he’s surrounded himself, I think, with the best possible team to get us out of an economic crisis. Why, Sarah Palin just said Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac had “gotten too big and too expensive to the taxpayers.” Can you spot the error in that statement?

OBAMA Yes, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac aren’t funded by taxpayers.

BARTLET Well, at least they are now. Kind of reminds you of the time Bush said that Social Security wasn’t a government program. He was only off by a little — Social Security is the largest government program.

OBAMA I appreciate your sense of humor, sir, but I really could use your advice.

BARTLET Well, it seems to me your problem is a lot like the problem I had twice.
OBAMA Which was?

BARTLET A huge number of Americans thought I thought I was superior to them.
OBAMA And?

BARTLET I was.

OBAMA I mean, how did you overcome that?

BARTLET I won’t lie to you, being fictional was a big advantage.

OBAMA What do you mean?

BARTLET I’m a fictional president. You’re dreaming right now, Senator.

OBAMA I’m asleep?

BARTLET Yes, and you’re losing a ton of white women.

OBAMA Yes, sir.

BARTLET I mean tons.

OBAMA I understand.

BARTLET I didn’t even think there were that many white women.

OBAMA I see the numbers, sir. What do they want from me?

BARTLET I’ve been married to a white woman for 40 years and I still don’t know what she wants from me.

OBAMA How did you do it?

BARTLET Well, I say I’m sorry a lot.

OBAMA I don’t mean your marriage, sir. I mean how did you get America on your side?

BARTLET There again, I didn’t have to be president of America, I just had to be president of the people who watched “The West Wing.”

OBAMA That would make it easier.

BARTLET You’d do very well on NBC. Thursday nights in the old “ER” time slot with “30 Rock” as your lead-in, you’d get seven, seven-five in the demo with a 20, 22 share — you’d be selling $450,000 minutes.

OBAMA What the hell does that mean?

BARTLET TV talk. I thought you’d be interested.

OBAMA I’m not. They pivoted off the argument that I was inexperienced to the criticism that I’m — wait for it — the Messiah, who, by the way, was a community organizer. When I speak I try to lead with inspiration and aptitude. How is that a liability?

BARTLET Because the idea of American exceptionalism doesn’t extend to Americans being exceptional. If you excelled academically and are able to casually use 690 SAT words then you might as well have the press shoot video of you giving the finger to the Statue of Liberty while the Dixie Chicks sing the University of the Taliban fight song. The people who want English to be the official language of the United States are uncomfortable with their leaders being fluent in it.

OBAMA You’re saying race doesn’t have anything to do with it?

BARTLET I wouldn’t go that far. Brains made me look arrogant but they make you look uppity. Plus, if you had a black daughter —

OBAMA I have two.

BARTLET — who was 17 and pregnant and unmarried and the father was a teenager hoping to launch a rap career with “Thug Life” inked across his chest, you’d come in fifth behind Bob Barr, Ralph Nader and a ficus.

OBAMA You’re not cheering me up.

BARTLET Is that what you came here for?

OBAMA No, but it wouldn’t kill you.

BARTLET Have you tried doing a two-hour special or a really good Christmas show?

OBAMA Sir —

BARTLET Hang on. Home run. Right here. Is there any chance you could get Michelle pregnant before the fall sweeps?

OBAMA The problem is we can’t appear angry. Bush called us the angry left. Did you see anyone in Denver who was angry?

BARTLET Well ... let me think. ...We went to war against the wrong country, Osama bin Laden just celebrated his seventh anniversary of not being caught either dead or alive, my family’s less safe than it was eight years ago, we’ve lost trillions of dollars, millions of jobs, thousands of lives and we lost an entire city due to bad weather. So, you know ... I’m a little angry.

OBAMA What would you do?

BARTLET GET ANGRIER! Call them liars, because that’s what they are. Sarah Palin didn’t say “thanks but no thanks” to the Bridge to Nowhere. She just said “Thanks.” You were raised by a single mother on food stamps — where does a guy with eight houses who was legacied into Annapolis get off calling you an elitist? And by the way, if you do nothing else, take that word back. Elite is a good word, it means well above average. I’d ask them what their problem is with excellence. While you’re at it, I want the word “patriot” back. McCain can say that the transcendent issue of our time is the spread of Islamic fanaticism or he can choose a running mate who doesn’t know the Bush doctrine from the Monroe Doctrine, but he can’t do both at the same time and call it patriotic. They have to lie — the truth isn’t their friend right now. Get angry. Mock them mercilessly; they’ve earned it. McCain decried agents of intolerance, then chose a running mate who had to ask if she was allowed to ban books from a public library. It’s not bad enough she thinks the planet Earth was created in six days 6,000 years ago complete with a man, a woman and a talking snake, she wants schools to teach the rest of our kids to deny geology, anthropology, archaeology and common sense too? It’s not bad enough she’s forcing her own daughter into a loveless marriage to a teenage hood, she wants the rest of us to guide our daughters in that direction too? It’s not enough that a woman shouldn’t have the right to choose, it should be the law of the land that she has to carry and deliver her rapist’s baby too? I don’t know whether or not Governor Palin has the tenacity of a pit bull, but I know for sure she’s got the qualifications of one. And you’re worried about seeming angry? You could eat their lunch, make them cry and tell their mamas about it and God himself would call it restrained. There are times when you are simply required to be impolite. There are times when condescension is called for!

OBAMA Good to get that off your chest?

BARTLET Am I keeping you from something?

OBAMA Well, it’s not as if I didn’t know all of that and it took you like 20 minutes to say.

BARTLET I know, I have a problem, but admitting it is the first step.

OBAMA What’s the second step?

BARTLET I don’t care.

OBAMA So what about hope? Chuck it for outrage and put-downs?

BARTLET No. You’re elite, you can do both. Four weeks ago you had the best week of your campaign, followed — granted, inexplicably — by the worst week of your campaign. And you’re still in a statistical dead heat. You’re a 47-year-old black man with a foreign-sounding name who went to Harvard and thinks devotion to your country and lapel pins aren’t the same thing and you’re in a statistical tie with a war hero and a Cinemax heroine. To these aged eyes, Senator, that’s what progress looks like. You guys got four debates. Get out of my house and go back to work.

OBAMA Wait, what is it you always used to say? When you hit a bump on the show and your people were down and frustrated? You’d give them a pep talk and then you’d always end it with something. What was it ...?

BARTLET “Break’s over.”

Labor Day Sale: Buy 1 Republican Soul, Get 5 Free

The muted response to the otherwise sensational news that Gov. Palin's 17 year old daughter is pregnant is rather interesting to me. So interesting that it got me thinking about the last teenage pregnancy that made headlines.

For Your Consideration:

Jamie Lynn Spears Unwed Pregnant at 16 Made the decision on her own to keep her baby Plans to marry the baby's father Has a mother who is more focused on career Has personal financial means to raise a child IGNORANT SLUT

Bristal Palin Unwed Pregnant at 17 Made the decision on her own to keep her baby Plans to marry the baby's father Has a mother who is more focused on career Does not have personal financial means to raise a child HUMAN

Now let's look at their mothers.

Lynn Spears Working mom Did not put kids in public schools Vows to support unwed daughter and grandchild Whored daughter out to tabloids to ensure (short-term) financial stability Accepted public criticism BAD MOTHER

Sarah Palin Working mom Did not put kids in public schools Vows to support unwed daughter and grandchild Waited for a hurricane to make landfall in New Orleans before making public announcement Attacked liberal bloggers HERO

The religious right is so determined to put another failure in the White House that they are willing to throw their morals and everything they stand for out the window.

Bible: $10
Home Pregnancy Test: $20
Watching the Christian Coalition Sell Themselves to Satan: PRICELESS

Hellllllooooooo blog!

Poor Rockchicks blog. So neglected for months on end. Your owners have kids and jobs and things to do. But we miss you! In our absence, Obama won the nomination, McCain scared us all with robotic speeches and we both saw "Wanted" and couldn't decide who was hotter: Miss Angie or James McAvoy.

We'll start blogging again with gusto after the dem and republican convention. I'm sure we'll have TONS to talk about then!

How to Hit on the LXIV Guys

For a long time now Ames and I have been under the misguided impression that girls use Louis XIV lyrics to hit on the guys in the band. The lyrics are so deliciously naughty that I was disappointed to find out that this is not the case. We need to change this.

Here is a list of lyrics that we think would be great lines to use on the guys:

• I could stare at you all night
• I want you near me
• I wanna taste you like you're fuckin' edible
• Take your clothes off and let the driver watch
• Sometimes it can be hard to separate the fakes from all the phonies... I actually put out
• You're lookin' like something I want
• I'd like to tell this boy what to do
• I have a bold imagination
• Even your knees are nice
• I use you instead of drugs to get me high

Almost every LXIV song has some kind of salacious line, so if you don't want to go with the lines here, listen closely and choose one of your own.

Good luck, ladies!

P.S. Concert recap soon to follow.

Hope Changes Everything

Louis, Louis, Oh Oh I Love You So

(Yes, I know that was lame, but I don’t care.)
AKA Our Concert Experiences Part 2
AKA We Love Brian. A LOT.

Ah, Louis. All day I was filled with joyful anticipation over seeing you. It had been far too long; years, in fact, since our last encounter. But since this is a blog post and not a romance novel, I will switch back to my usual voice.

The last time I saw Louis XIV live I was newly pregnant with my son. (His first concert, awesome!) He will turn two next month. So I was ripe for a good rock show.

I had to work that day, which normally would be a really good distraction, but as the hours ticked away my nerves only got worse. (I would make the most horrible junkie…) By the time I got home I was totally on edge.

Doors opened at the Roxy at 7 and the show was supposed to start at 7:30. I wanted to leave the house by 6 – that would have given us plenty of time to get to the Roxy, get parked and possibly even get something to eat before the show.

Ha.

I should have known the plan was long gone when we were leaving the house at 6:30 and I asked my husband if he remembered how to get to there.

“Uh, yeah.”

The babysitter laughed. Hello foreshadowing!

Around 7 we got lost. We were only halfway there when Jim decided to “take a more direct route.”

Ok, see, unlike most major metropolitan areas, Atlanta was NOT built on a grid system. It’s built on a system that closely resembles an MC Escher painting that has been attacked by a Jackson Pollock painting and then spun haphazardly in a teacup ride before all the paint dried. So we can’t just turn down a side street and retrace our steps back to where we went wrong.

I tried so hard to be cool. Jim got frustrated and started to do some uh… aggressive driving. I got more nervous. Amazingly enough, I kept my mouth shut. (I know, I have no idea how I did it, either.) I silently started to pray “please let us get there safely, please let us get there safely.” Some show is infinitely better than no show. After a few seemingly endless minutes, Jim got his bearings and his driving normalized. I changed my mantra to “please let them start later than 7:30.”

We pulled into the parking lot at exactly 7:30. I gave Jim all kinds of credit. We hustled to the door only to freakin’ wait. Damn all ages shows and their over 21 bracelet requirements!

We probably waited for less than a minute, but still. After our little detour I was done with the waiting. Finally, a perfectly kind, unhurried man checked my ID, gave me a bracelet and we were in. Finally.

And

no

one

was

on

stage.

YES!

We made a beeline for the bar where I explained my prayers to Jim and said “Yay God!” right there in front of the super cool bartender. Jim gave me the standard “I married a nut job” look and kept going. (Side note: my “Yay God!” was overheard by some very new wave looking people. I was un-phased. If they love Louis like I do, then they get it.)

Drinks in hand, we moved into the theater area and waited for the show to begin.

First reminder of the evening of why I am so glad I married Jim:

“Hey, isn’t that Mark?”

Oh, how I love this man.

Yes, it was Mark. He and some guys (later revealed as the violin and viola players) tinkered on stage, then disapeared.

Some guys behind us told their girlfriends how they first met at the last Louis show at the Roxy. Awwwwww.

Finally, the lights dimmed. I took a step forward and held my breath. The guys came onstage and the show started. I exhaled. This feeling washed over me that this was exactly where I was supposed to be.

The drums sounded absolutely amazing. By the second song I could feel them throbbing in my veins. Oh how I have missed good, live music.

The music was think and rich. The strings added a nice dimension that made it sound fuller, more luscious. I let it all sink into me and thought “I have got to find more concerts to go to.”

They played some of my favorites and a few new songs, which sounded great. At one point they had the crowd chanting with them “2, 4, 6, 8, who do we appreciate? LOUIS!” and then the second time around “me me me me me!”

The set was incredible. Jim leaned down a few times to tell me that he thought they sounded great. That the strings took their live performances to a new level. I was impressed. This is a man who primarily listens to Tool and Merle Haggard. And that was reminder number two of why I am so glad I married him.

Sadly, the set came to an end. But it’s ok because LXIV took me to a state of bliss that I floated on for the rest of the night and several days afterward.

Jim and I hung out and crowd watched between sets and picked a new, less crowded spot for Hot Hot Heat. Now I must confess: in my world, HHH is not really on the radar. If they’re playing, cool, but otherwise I’m not likely to put in any special effort. So as HHH started, my brain was somewhere else, replaying the Louis XIV set.

Where LXIV was lush and rich HHH sounded muddy and was getting on my nerves. (Which honestly could have been because we were right in line with a huge speaker.) So we moved further back. About halfway through HHH's attempt to kill my bliss Jim ducked out to go to the bathroom. I followed him and waited in the bar area.

As I waited I was scanning the crowd for Brian. Just before Jim came back I spotted Jason. There was too much space and too many people between us for me to try to catch him without looking like an ass. And I so did not want to look like an ass in front of Jason so I just let him go.

A minute or so later Jim came back. He said “Jason is out there. I stopped and said hi and told him I loved their set.”

Ladies and gentlemen, reason number three.

We decided that HHH actually sounded better from the bar area than in the theater so we stayed in the bar. And I kept an eagle eye on Jason. A line had formed to talk to him so I figured I’d just wait where I was.

After about three songs I decided to make my way over. Only to be cut off by these two super chatty, possibly drunk, 40ish guys in Hawaiian shirts. Whatever.

I went back by Jim to wait some more. Another line formed. HHH’s set ended. These guys stood there and gabbed forever. People who wanted to see The Editors were waving as they walked by cause they couldn’t get a word in edgewise. These guys seriously compromised my bliss.

Finally, about two songs into The Editors, the crowd parted. Just as Jason was about to make a break for it I tugged on his elbow. He turned and smiled. I leaned in to get right by his ear.

“You hung out with a friend of mine the other night. She said she brought you guys cookies.”

THANKS FOR THE LINE, AMES!!!

He leaned back, smiled and said “yeah! We ate them. They were good!” (Nice baking my friend.)

We talked a little bit more, (ok, I flirted my ass off and he humored me) and I asked where Brian was. He told me he wasn’t sure, but gave me some ideas. I asked for a picture and he said of course. We proceed to take this little gem.

{I call it Self portrait with Diablo Jason.}

My bliss was officially back.

I asked Jason to please tell Brian I said "hi" just in case I couldn’t find him and then we parted. I went back to my husband with a HUGE grin on my face.

Reason #4: He totally got that I needed a (semi) private moment with Jason and he was completely nonplussed by the kooky look on my face.

At this point I turned my attention to The Editors. They sounded alright so we went back into the theater. (Again, I plead LXIV bliss bias.) Over all, I liked their set but they had this light thing going on and every song or so I got a huge spot right in my eyes. It kinda detracted from what would have otherwise been a pretty cool light effect.

The same thing was happening to Jim and giving him a headache. Plus, neither of us had eaten since lunch time so we decided to get The Editors CD and headed out to the IHOP (sort of) across the street from the Roxy. We took the scenic route so that I could cruise by the bus.

No one was outside so we continued on to IHOP. The whole time we were there I was thinking about the show and my talk with Jason. I must have looked like a complete lunatic.

When we left the IHOP it looked like The Editors had wrapped it up because a lot of people were coming out of the Roxy. It was really cold so rather than walk back down behind the club we decided to drive by the buses. I saw some girls hanging out, but no LXIV’s. I felt my bliss start to fade a bit at the idea of leaving without seeing Brian.

But just as we cleared the third bus, who did we see walking toward us?

BRIAN!

By some quirk of fate, there was a parking space literally RIGHT THERE. Jim pulled into the space and I hopped out of the car and tried not to run to Brian. (Traffic and not looking like an ass and all that.)

He was talking to some girls who were just adorable and looked cold and nervous. Seriously, girls, there is no need to be nervous around Brian. This is probably the nicest rock star you will ever meet.

Now before I continue I have to tell you something about Brian. He has this huge, amazing, million watt smile. When he smiles his entire face lights up. And if he smiles at you, it’s like you’ve won the lottery. I love making Brian smile. (Not that it’s hard to do.)

Anyway.

I intended to wait my turn but Brian, still talking to the girls, saw me walk over. He looked at me and hesitated for a second and then shouted “Elaine!” accompanied by one of his huge smiles.

Hello bliss.

He opened his arms for a hug which, of course, I gave him. I felt bad for the interrupting the girls, but I gushed. I couldn’t help it. Call it bliss overflow.

I was so thrilled and surprised that Brian remembered me (even if Ames did give him a bit of a memory jog a few nights before). He said it had been too long, which of course I agreed with. It had been way too long. He, always the thoughtful host, turned back to the girls and asked their names. He introduced me to them as his friend.

In that moment I forgot just how damn cold it was and thought about how my face was probably about to crack open from my huge smile.

We all talked some more. The girls had car trouble and got lost on their way to the show. We commiserated over our Jackson Pollock-esque maps of the city.

Brian decided it was time to get back on the bus, (have I mentioned that it was fucking cold?) and invited us all to join him, but I really needed to relieve our babysitter so I wrapped things up. (All this time Jim had been waiting in the car for me.) We took pictures and I gushed some more, sorry Brian! And then, awesomeness.

I told Brian that if they ever decided that they needed a full time tambourine player, that I could do that job. His response:

“You’re our girl!”

Score! I can finally get on a rock tour without some nasty offer to be the designated groupie or band-aid or whatever. Yes! This was probably one of my all time favorite moments. I love Brian.

We chatted for another second – seriously, if anyone has a cure for gushing please fill me in – and said good-bye. As I walked back to the car Brian turned and shouted “Love to Ames!”

You gotta love Brian.

P.S. Ames, they ate cookies out of your box.

Part One of Two: Our Louis XIV Show Experiences

...a.k.a. We love Brian...

In the grand tradition of the rockchicks, we are going to tell everyone about our trips to Louis XIV shows.  I will start, since my show was on Tuesday and Elaine's was on Friday.  Here goes...

My husband and I got there pretty early.  There was one person ahead of us in line.  The line grew and grew.  I stood there with a plastic container of choc. chip cookies I had made the guys. I saw Brian after we were waiting for about half an hour.  I ran over, gave him a quick hug and gave him the cookies.  He said, "You rock, Ames!!"  (I know, I know...sad...but I figure they don't get much homemade food on tour, and cookies count as homemade food, right?)  Anyway...they finally open the doors and for the first time in my life, I am on "the list."  I've never been on "the list."  

But I'm not on the list.

The Russian bouncer/douchebag at the door gruffly tells me, "You are not on the list."  

Gahhhhh!!  

So, I'm near tears.  The line is REALLLLLLLLY long at this point.  We go...to the end.  There is another door at the end of the line that is made of glass.  I peer in, and there are the boys, up on stage.  I tap on the door and another bouncer (who probably thinks I'm psycho, but who the hell cares?) answers, looking at me like I'm a nutjob.  I yell at the guys over the bouncer's shoulder.  (yeah, I did.)

"Brian!  I'm not on the list!!"

Brian, looking shocked, (and slightly amused that I managed to finagle past the bouncer) says, "You are!  I promise!"  Jason, strumming his guitar, adds, "You are.  I saw it.  It was there." (found that pretty amusing in spite of my panic.)

OK.  So, we go up to the front of the line, and a nicer woman in obscenely small shorts (once you are over 38 or so, shorts that tiny should be outlawed) tells me that the list they have is for the Editors, not the other two bands.  Ohhh, OK.  Still sucked, but not the end of the world. So, we waited while what seemed like 900 people go in before us.  I watched them open the doors inside to where the stage was, and saw my front row prospects go out the window.  

Finally, we get in.  I look everywhere for the guys, with no luck.  Show starts.  We did wind up very close to the stage, and I ended up standing next to a badass girl who knew all the words and was rockin' out too.  Very Cool.  They played an AWESOME set.  Old stuff, new stuff, violins, pounding drums, wailing guitars, Jason and Brian and the gang just up there having a great time and sipping red wine between songs.  I did get *slightly* perturbed when he was bantering to the crowd and said that it was their first time in Florida.  I'm sure alcohol contributed to the slight slip-up.  At least he got the city right and didn't say, like..."Hello, Cleveland!" or something.  

After the show, I hung around anxiously waiting to see the guys.  We waited.  and waited.  and waited.

and waited.

No sign of the guys.  I know they usually come out and hang after the show and mingle.  No luck.  I was starting to get really bummed out.  Finally, my husband and I left the club.  Hot Hot Heat had started playing and there was still not a sign of the boys.  We walked out to the car and I was devastated.  I couldn't leave without saying goodbye!!!  Let alone hello!!  So, I decided to give it one more shot.  We walked back to the door.  We stand there and more people are coming in (the IDIOTS that missed the Louis set.  losers!!)  and the douchebag at the door just ignores us.  Suddenly, my husband says, "There's Jason!"  

Jason was sauntering up past the people in line, from the glass door.  Some chick starts talking to him.   I tell my husband out of the side of my mouth, "He is NOT getting back into the club..."  I repeat the mantra, because I really wanted to say goodbye to Brian before we left.  He starts back into the club and I jump out.  "Hey!!"  He instantly recognizes me and smiles.  I show him my tattoo, which the guys have yet to see in person.  He is stoked.  We take a photo.   I look like a bloated, beached whale, but Jason looks great.  I ask him where Brian is, because we can't stay long and I want to say good bye.  He points us around to the alley and tells us to knock on the tour bus.   Umm...Ohhhhhhh-Kay.

We walk around, and the guys (Awesome, sweet, happy Mark and ever-serious Jimmy, who seems to hate my guts with a fire of a thousand suns) are loading their amps and drums and such into the bus.  (Mark's sparkly drum set is so damn cool, did I mention that?) We stand there.  And wait.  And wait.  I felt really kind of stupid, like I was some random groupie. FINALLY, out comes Brian.  I hear him say, "Where's my friend Amy?!"  I call out, and we finally get to hang out with Brian.  Yay Brian.

OK, warning: about to geek out.  **I FINALLY MADE IT ON TO THE TOUR BUS!**  We went on the bus and I took a photo.  You can see my cookies in the picture.  lol.  We hang out for about 20 minutes, chatting with Brian and Mark and the violin guy and such.  I'm ridiculously happy.

We exit the bus a while later, stickers and posters in hand, which added to the poster I stole off the wall of the club.  We hang out with Brian for another half an hour outside.  Mark comes back out and gives us both (my husband and I) a hug.  Love Mark.  We chat some more.  We talk about our iphones, the new album, the Vegas show, Brian's chick, Brian's hair, the baby, etc. 

It was the best night I've had in a LOOOOONG time.  I can't say enough how nice the guys in Louis XIV are.  They are a great band with freakin' fantastic music, and they are ALWAYS so gracious and welcoming and funny and sweet.  Especially Brian.  Brian, if you are reading this, you are one of my favorite people on the planet.   

I CAN'T WAIT FOR MARCH!  THE ROCKCHICKS WILL BE BACK, BABY!  HAHHHH!  

Here are my photos.  I was going to photoshop myself out of the one with Jason, but oh well:  

Mrs. big boobs & Jason

On the tour bus.  Yay.

See the cookies?

What a cool guy.