Indra's Ultrasound Photos

Here is my munchkin. The first is a profile, the second is the "alien love child" shot. She was trying to be shy again, but the technician (a nice one this time, yay!!) kinda bumped against my stomach to get her to shift position.

The time is going SO fast. It's just unbelievable! I had no idea it would fly by so incredibly fast.

We Heart Britney. Well, Not Really.

Heh Heh. Once again, this interview is fictional. It never happened. We wish it did. I would love to sit down with Britney and find out why she's so...what's the word...dirty.

Elaine: Hello good radio listeners. The time is 4 oh 7. The temperature is a balmy 82 degrees. We are here with ya on the ride home. If you are stuck on the beltway, take heart. We have a real treat for you today. Britney Spears is here.

Amy: OK, I know what you're thinking. How can you have Eric Clapton on your show one day and Britney Spears on the next? Right? You know that's what you're thinking. And the answer is...we wrote to Brit's publicist and told her about the show. We've never had a hidden agenda before, so how would Britney figure out that we have some hard-hitting questions for her?

Elaine: Yeah. It's usually a big ol' love fest in here. We have to wash the carpets AT LEAST once a month.

Amy: Ew. Anyway...Mrs. Federline, God help her, is in the green room. She thinks she's here to promote her new album...

Elaine: Have you seen the cover of that thing? I mean, seriously, put some freakin' clothes on...

Amy: BUT, she's really here to be picked over. We want to know what the hell she's thinking when she does the stuff she does. Now, we are not going to pick on her for the things she does as a mom. We are a mom and a soon-to-be mom ourselves, and let's face it, you make mistakes. We all do. We just don't make them in front of millions of people. So we won't pick on her for that stuff, even if I do think she's a moron for riding with Sean in the front seat.

Elaine: Now, you might think: How mean are these girls? They are setting up this poor little misguided, bubble-snapping, hoochy-dancing, barefooted Southern gal for humiliation. My answer is...I NEVER said I was nice. Really. Look at all the transcripts. I never said it ONCE.

Amy: Me either. Not once. There are no illusions of friendliness and politeness in here. AND...You KNOW you are going to enjoy listening to us sink our teeth into this interview and try to figure out why Britney does such...unladylike...things.

Elaine: All of our long-time listeners are now enjoying the irony of Amy picking on someone for being unladylike. The sweet, sweet irony!

Amy: Hey, I behave like a finishing school graduate having dinner with the Queen compared to her.

Elaine: You know, now that I'm thinking about it. I don't think people should think of this as our "mean interview." Really, people should think of this as more of an on-air intervention.

Amy: Yes! That's it exactly, we are trying to intervene and save poor Sean Preston from becoming a dirty pimp when he grows up.

Elaine: I couldn't have said it better myself, Ames. Oh, Leon is signaling that she is on her way here. I wonder what she'll wear.

Amy: Clothes. I hope. Please. (Britney bounces in. She's wearing a pink Juicy sweatsuit and giant amber aviator glasses. To Amy and Elaine's annoyance, she's carrying a Fendi bag complete with its own teacup poodle peeking out from the top.)

Elaine: Britney. Welcome to the show. Have a seat. Those are your headphones.

Britney: Hey ya'll. How are ya?

Amy: We're good. You?

Britney: Couldn't be better. My bodyguard is outside, does he need to come in or should he just stay out there?

Amy and Elaine: Stay out there.

Britney: 'Kay.

Amy: So, Brit. You just released your greatest hits. I'm curious. How old are you again?

Britney: 23. (Elaine raises an eyebrow)

Elaine: Don't you think it's premature to put out a greatest hits when you've only been around for a few years?

Britney: Nah. My marketing chicks said it would sell really well.

Amy: What do you think of Ashlee Simpson calling her debut CD "Autobiography?"

Britney: I dunno. It's an OK title, I guess. I met her once at the VMA's. I think she flicked me off, but I'm not sure. I know Avril Lavigne did. Little snot...

Elaine: (grinning) It seems odd that a tiny woman of not even 20 would name her CD Autobiography. I mean, what sort of autobiography can you write as a teenager? I was born, I was potty trained, I made a CD? I mean, seriously, give me a break.

Amy: Creed just released a greatest hits too.

Britney: Oh I love them. They are so good. (Amy sits back slightly in mortification)

Elaine: (fanning Amy with her notes) Breathe. Breathe. You're in a forest with Tia. A Forest with Tia... Matt is feeding you chocolate and Tia is rubbing your back. Better?

Amy: Yeah. I think I'm OK now. Nice touch with the back rub thing.

Elaine: Thank you. I try.

Britney: You like girl on girl stuff too?

Amy: Yeah. I heard you buy girl porn.

Britney: I do.

Elaine: What was it like to kiss Madonna? I know you've been asked that a million times, but I want to know.

Britney: She smelled REALLY good. Like this...I dunno...really expensive perfume.

Elaine: So, Britney, how's married life treating you?

Britney: It's good. I've been out on tour, so I don't get to see Kevin that much.

Elaine: Wait, wait...I can't hold it in any longer. Britney, WHY do you keep showing up in the tabloids barefoot coming out of rest stop bathrooms? Do you have ANY clue how disgusting that is?

Britney: Aw, ya'll, it's not that big a deal. It's only for a cupla' minutes. I just didn't feel like puttin' my shoes back on.

Amy: May I?

Elaine: Absolutely.

Amy: Here is a list of diseases you can catch from barefoot romps in dirty rest stop bathrooms: Herpes A and B, Staph, Rhinovirus, Human Papillomavirus, Influenza, The Clap, Hookworms, Tetanus, Crabs, Mad Cow Disease...ok, maybe not mad cow...but the rest of them! I mean, seriously, think of how many people have fornicated with themselves or others, picked their toenails, missed the toilet... Ew. ew, ew, ew. I feel like I need a shower just talking about it.

Britney: Hmmm. Maybe THAT'S where that wart on my big toe came from...

Elaine: Augh! OK! NEW SUBJECT! PLEASE!

Britney: Hey, I heard you like Aerosmith.

Elaine: We do. Why?

Britney: When I was in Europe I hung out with them. I got really drunk on Apple Martinis and ended up in Joe Perry's lap. It was so funny.

Elaine: What? (The room suddenly crackles with tension)

Britney: We didn't do anything, I mean, he's married ya'll, but MAN, he has a nice body for an old guy... He showed me the tattoo on his back and I...

Elaine: I'm sorry, WHAT?

Amy: Britney, for God's sake, save yourself. Shut the hell up!

Britney: Huh? WhaddIsay?

Elaine: Where was your husband during all this?

Britney: Oh, this was way before I met him. It was right after me and Justin broke up. (Amy has a flash. She suddenly remembers that she has a grudge against Eva Longoria, the stunning latina woman from Desperate Housewives, because she went out with JC Chasez. Amy suddenly realizes that there is something fundamentally wrong with someone who would date a guy in SUCH a shamelessly cheesy, albeit occasionally catchy, band.)


Elaine: OK. This is the time when we do guest multiplication tables. I'm sure you've heard about this part of the show, right Britney?

Brit: Uh...yeah, yeah.. sure. Sure did.

Amy: Great. Here we go! Quick! What's 9 times 7?

Britney: um....uh... 63?

Elaine: That was an easy one. 7 times 6!

Britney: (Squints her eyes and visibly counts on her fingers) 47!

Amy: No, 42. 5 times 9!

Britney: I hate math. Let's talk about somethin' else, ya'll.

Amy: When did you lose your virginity?

Britney: (turns red) That is mighty personal, don't you think?

Elaine: Come on, we all want to know. Besides, didn't you tell some fashion magazine all about it?

Britney: Fine, fine. I was 18. With Justin.

Amy: He is tiny, isn't he? His voice is so high, it has to be tiny...

Britney: C'mon. man! I can't answer that!

Elaine: Aren't we all buddies here? We're just two girls chatting it up with ya. Inquiring minds want to know.

Britney: Justin was normal, I guess. He was twice as big as Kev...oops.

Elaine: I love my job.

Amy: Me too.

Britney: OK, I think this interview is over. I'm gonna say somethin' dumb.

Elaine and Amy: pshhh!! NAHHH!

Britney: Sorry ya'll.