Required Reading

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Our Husbands Saved Our Lives at Nine Inch Nails

And thank God for that -- the concert was too good to miss!

We saw Nine Inch Nails at the Tabernacle in Atlanta, on May 21st. There are no words to describe how amazing the show was. But we will try.

Amy, are you out of your lust coma? Would you like to start describing Mr. Trent Reznor's extreme hotness?

Thank you Elaine, of course I would. However, I am not quite out of the lustful state yet. It's not a coma anymore so much as psychosis. I can't listen to With Teeth anymore without picturing the muscular, smoldering, sinewy, gorgeously sweaty, screaming, sighing, aching, REAL Trent. He's REAL! REAL! He EXISTS! We saw him! In fact, we were six feet away during some of the show (until the aforementioned brush with concert death under the feet of a thousand riled up gothies happened) and about five feet away AFTER the show.

He's real. I didn't just dream him up out of what I think are the perfect ingredients to throw together to make someone so hot it hurts. He ISN'T just my dreamed up mix of gruff anger, soulful sensitivity, howling rage, long, lean muscles and poetic anguish, all cleaned up and healthy and beautiful.

TRENT IS A REAL PERSON!

Although, to be honest, I still feel like I was watching it on TV. I've loved that man for half my life. The entire half that has been interested in sex. ;-)

Any more thoughts, Elaine?
p.s. MUST... SEE... HIM... AGAIN.... VOO.... DOO.... MUSIC...FESTIVAL...

Ok, so that covers the Trent is hot aspect. Let's move on to the concert itself. The Dresden Dolls opened and they were awesome. I love the drummer, Brian Viglione. He's very cool. About halfway through the show, Amanda Palmer, weird girl/frontman extrodiare, lifted her arms to reveal very hairy pits. A murmur filled the Tabernacle. That's all I'll say. All in all, they played a very cool set and because of Brian's make-up, I now have a little thing for mimes. Especially if they can drum.

Next up was Nine Inch Nails. Yay. I had to nervous pee until they got on stage. It was ridiculous. *Anyway* I have no idea what song they opened with -- Ames? -- because I was overwhelmed with two feelings at once: holy shit Trent Reznor is right there and holy shit these people are insane, I'm going to die here.

The teeny girl next to me (Ames got swept away in the insanity) and I tried to hold each other and our guys up and ogle TR at the same time. It took a lot of energy. After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably only one song, I said to my wonderful husband "get me out of here!" And he did. The man literally dragged me out of the mosh pit. He is freakishly strong. I am grateful.

Ok, so flash forward a few minutes. Amy and I are in a mosh-free space, reveling in the fact that Trent Reznor is *right there*. We are sharing the same air as him. Holy shit. (Louis XIV, we think the same thing everytime we see you guys, too. I promise.) We start jockeying for a good position. Some blonde chick practically knocks me on my ass on her way to the bar. Hello, I would have moved on my own...

So, back to the music. I honestly don't remember the set list, but I remember specific moments from each song. I'm sure if I thought about it long enough (and at some point I probably will) I could re-assemble it. Just know that they played some awesome old songs and only 3 off the new album. While I would have loved to hear "Only" live, I was still deeply satisfied.

I distinctly remember that in the middle of "Closer" (I don't know why, but I love watching Trent's lips form the word "fuck") Trent did a stage dive. I think Amy and I were completely in each other's head at that moment, because the look on her face said "we never should have left the pit!" and that is exactly what I was thinking. It was very cool -- the stage dive and the venn moment.

There's been a lot of talk about the new band Trent is touring with. I think Jerome is the only guy left from last tour, but you know what? They were awesome together. I don't know if they rehersed a lot or if they're all on the same level or what but the music sounded great. I must admit that I did miss the faces Robin Finck makes on stage, but I honestly didn't even realize that was missing until a day or two after the show. What do you think, Ames? Did you miss Robin? Oh! Don't let me forget to tell them about the annoying chick with the voice.


OK, It's Amy again. No, I didn't miss Robin. I had eyes only for Trent, although I did notice how clean and tight the music was and how well the band seemed to fit together. I have a fondness for Jerome. We won't get into why. ;-)

I wish he would have sung more songs from the new CD because they are SO good. I would have loved to hear "Only," "Every Day Is Exactly The Same," "With Teeth" and "Sunspots." Especially "Only." When that song shifts into part two and it just starts to jam out, I am in the throes of musical ecstacy. seriously. But there are lots of those moments: the double drum beat in the middle of "Do You Know What You Are?" and the piano-backed, kick-drum laced, gorgeously sung bridge in "Every Day" and the sex-drenched lyrics of "sunspots." Yipe.

I LOVE THIS ALBUM SO MUCH.

But I agree, the concert was great. Not only did I get up close with Trent, but there was a brutally hot girl pressing into me for a little while in the pit. Heh heh. I just hope that Trent opens up and does more of the new stuff in upcoming shows. I think he needs to trust his fans. If you would have been there and heard the entire crowd (except for one obnoxious chick)singing along with "Hurt" you would know that his fans love what he does and would love to hear new stuff too.

I think that's all I have? Any closing remarks, Elaine?

Uhhh... he turns me on. he makes it real....

Wait, you meant real closing remarks. Not so much. Just *loved* the show, LOVED it. If NIN is doing a show within a day's drive of you, GO! It's worth it. Pay whatever you have to for tickets. You won't regret it.

Before I go I have a public service announcement. For those who are new to NIN or are attending the concert because someone had an extra ticket, whatever. 1)NIN is sex music. We all know it. No need to announce this during a pivotal moment of a very hot song. 2) DO NOT TALK REALLY LOUD DURING HURT! In fact, it's best not to talk at all. Just be in the music. If you *must* talk, please whisper. I don't need to hear about your purse or the people giving you dirty looks because your voice is too loud. Just SHUT UP. If you must speak, go to the bathroom. Talk there. If you have an extremely nasal voice with a really thick NY accent, please learn sign language. The people around you will be grateful.

That's all I got. Now we have to post pictures. Yummy. Heh heh heh.

Oh, one more thing, Ames, is Hurt about self mutilation?

Elaine, that is horrid.

;-)
I have one more thing too...I am getting sick of hearing people criticizing Trent for the new CD. I LOVE THE NEW STUFF! There are people out there saying that he's gone soft, that he's "turning emo" (I swear, someone told me that today. I about tore her eyes out) and that they wish he would do stuff that is more like The Downward Spiral. You know what? I don't WANT another DS. That album was born out of substance abuse, pain and misery. I love this new CD because you can hear how clear his head is, how crisp and clean and pointed every note and every word is, and how he might still be singing about pain and loss, but he's in a place where he can look back and appreciate where it put him. He makes fun of himself. People are ALLOWED TO CHANGE! Seriously. I criticize bands more for sounding the same on new records, not for sticking their neck out and doing something new. The true fans love this CD. The posers who call "Closer" the "fuck you like an animal song" are the ones who can't appreciate "With Teeth" for what it is: a solid, masterful peice of music. In the immortal words of Garth: LIVE IN THE NOW!!!!

(lookit that, Elaine, I used a Garth quote! heh heh)
OK, rant complete. GO BUY THE ALBUM! IT'S STUNNING.

Have you ever noticed how nicely Wayne's World can wrap things up? I love it!

I agree, Amy. If you want to hear the same music over and over and over again NIN is not the band for you. Good bands evolve. Example: The Beatles. Bands who do the same thing over and over fade into obscurity. Example: Hootie and the Blowfish. Sorry, Hootie fans, its true. They had some good songs, but all their records sound the same to me. Plus, now when I hear their music all I can think about is Burger King. Way to go Darius Rucker. And quite frankly, *I've* evolved. I think if With Teeth sounded just like The Downward Spiral I wouldn't be able to get into it. People grow. Deal with it.

Ames, would you like to have the last word?

Sure.... but first...7 little words...

I HEARD "ONLY" ON THE RADIO TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Between that little fact and the new AMAZING Better Than Ezra, I'm blissful.
The track that Brian and Jason helped them with is called "It's Only Natural" and it's a dirty, acoustic, almost spanish-sounding track. You can clearly hear Brian and Jason singing backup. SO COOL. It's just divine providence that the song is about sex. Heh heh.


God, I love music.
Oh one more thing, I just tracked down the setlist for our show! Here it is:

1. Pinion (I think he was trying to kill us all by opening with such a tough one)
2. The Frail
3. The Wretched
4. Wish
5. Sin
6. The Line Begins to blur (yay for new stuff... Is there somebody on top of me?..)
7. March of the Pigs
8. Something I can never have
9. The hand that feeds
10. Terrible Lie
11. Closer
12. Home
13. Burn
14. Reptile (This song was freakin' AMAZING live)
15. You know what you are (LOVE this song)
16. Suck
17. Gave Up
18. Hurt (EVERYONE sang along. It was a moment of levity) (Everyone except the nasally chick with the purse who insisted on talking through it. But I'm not bitter. Noooooo.)
19. Starfuckers
20. Head like a hole

I'm done, Pequita. ;-)
-JUANITA
p.s. DAMN this is a LONG post.

Yeah, it's long! But Trent deserves it. And look at all of the other stuff we love that we were able to squeeze in. Yay!

Oops, I took the last word. Sorry!

He's Done It Again

With Teeth is so different, so tight, so energetic, so perfect. I love every second of that CD. Thanks Trent. It is ALWAYS worth the wait. ALWAYS.

5 MORE DAYS

Ahh, it is almost here...the looooong awaited release of "With Teeth." I'm beside myself. I get drunk on that man. His voice puts me in a state.

So, Stupid NBC picked a good time to up and cancel my show and rob me of my favorite TV actress Tia Texada, because at least I will have Trent to drown my sorrows in. I'm really going to miss Third Watch, though.

OH YEAH, an update on my whole Anti-Corporate Radio extravaganza...the email that ass from The Buzz sent me got forwarded alllllll the way up the chain of command to the head people at CBS, who owns Viacom, who owns Infinity, who owns the Buzz. Who knows if it will do any good, but it made me feel at least a little vindicated.

One last thing. I'm very upset with Angelina about this whole Brad Pitt thing. I denied the whole deal, but now it looks like it was true. It kinda sucks that she would do this AGAIN with a taken guy. I don't get it. She's so brilliant and magnanimous in other aspects of her life. Why can't she use some of that brain power in her personal life?

I still love her, of course, but I can't seem to muster up the same unbridled enthusiasm for her anymore. Maybe it will come back when Mr. and Mrs. Smith comes out.

Bahhh.

Random Thoughts and Run-ins with Famous People

OK, OK, not just famous people, but Joey Kramer. JOEY KRAMER! I was one step away (ala Kevin Bacon steps) from Joe Perry. Joey bought $113 worth of CD's from me today. How awesome is that? I'm actually glad Joe was not with him, because there is no telling what I would have done. They would have had to peel me from the walls or something.

I got him to sign a CD for me because I am a geek.

Last week, twice, I met Stephanie Seymour, of Victorias Secret/November Rain video fame. She was achingly beautiful in a natural way and very sweet in a shy, delicate sort of way. She forgot her wallet, so she paid with a check. I asked her to please call me once she found her wallet so I could write her drivers license # on it. Sure enough, half an hour later, this soft voice is on the phone" "Amy? It's Stephanie! Here is my drivers license number!" I got home and Matt had dug up his Playboy with her on the cover. I'm brave, but NOT brave enough to ask her to sign that. "Hey Stephanie, here is you buck naked! Can you sign it for me?" Uhhh....no.

The week before that, I met Sean Astin, of Lord Of The Rings fame. He was very cool. He signed a copy of The Fellowship for Matt. He even put a smiley face on it.

Who would have thunk that Barnes and Noble in West Palm Beach would attract so many famous people?

OH, and here is my random thought...

I just finished the most AMAZING book. It's called Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, by Jonathan Safran Foer. At certain points, I was actually weeping. It's a poignant, gorgeous, off-beat and crazily inventive book about a little boy who's father died in the Trade Center. He finds clues his father left him a year after his death and goes on a quest all over New York City to try to solve the puzzle. It was sometimes painful to read because of the 9/11 aspect, but it was worth it.

It was so worth it.

I really want to write to the author but I can't seem to find his address anywhere. Any ideas on how to track him down other than sending a letter to the publisher?

DON'T MESS WITH A ROCKCHICK!

I LOVE SATELLITE RADIO.

Here is part of the reason why. This is an email I sent the CRAPPY local radio station. They play nothing but the same 20 songs over and over, day after day, with zillions of commercials in between. They have NO BALLS.

So, I sent an email telling them how bummed out I was, because I've been listening to the station for 10 years. BUT...There is a REASON why I made the switch. Read my email to the dickheads at WPBZ in West Palm Beach, Florida:

Dear (dickhead),

I'm not sure if you are the person to say this to or not, or even if it matters what I think, but here goes.

I've been listening to the Buzz for ten years. I've been loyal. But lately, I've noticed a decline. It started with the loss of the Morning Buzz team, but that was the tip of the iceberg. The Buzz takes no chances anymore. For example, I called the other night to request a song by a very talented up-and-coming band, Louis XIV. They were named one of Rolling Stone's 10 Bands To Watch in 2005 and they have been featured in commercials, on television, in ads and video games, and all over the place. I called to request their single and was told that since it did not do well
on "Dropping Trou," it was dropped from the play list. I can't express to you how angry that made me. The Buzz uses Dropping Trou to judge whether or not a band is worthy of air time? Don't you think that is flawed? I didn't hear it, no one I know heard it, or else we would have called to say we love the song and we love the band.

Due to that experience, I decided to give up listening to the Buzz. I bought satellite radio, along with a group of people I know who were also furious with the Buzz for its lack of balls, for lack of a better term. Wouldn't you know it, one of the first songs I heard when I tuned in to Sirius, was Finding Out True Love Is Blind by Louis XIV.

Figures, doesn't it?

Corporate Radio will die if it doesn't start taking chances. I would much rather pay for radio and hear new and interesting things minus the endless stream of commercials than listen to the same 20 songs over and over again.

You guys are losing listeners left and right. I don't know if you realize it or not. Take some advice from someone who used to be loyal and do something. quick. Expand your Buzz Junior segment...just let those artists into the main airplay! You will find that people will LOVE hearing new things and saying they heard it before anyone else did. I'm sad! I used to love the Buzz, but because you had no real reason not to play one of my favorite bands, I'm done with Corporate Radio. Infinity needs to wake up.

Sincerely,
Amy Bower

NOW, HERE IS THE DICKHEAD'S RESPONSE:

Thanks for noticing the decline...we've been working really hard on
it...enjoy the satellite...
How much are you paying a month for radio that could care less about you? Just for the heck of it, the reason we didn't play Louis XIV is because the song sucked...no one tells us what to play. We make our own decisions! Lastly when you write an email to someone telling them how much they suck don't expect a friendly reply...
signed, dickhead ...and yes our listeners matter...the ones who care to write constructive criticisms......

Isn't that mature and professional?
THIS IS WHY I LOVE SATELLITE RADIO! BECAUSE UNLIKE WHAT DICKHEAD SAYS, THEY CARE ENOUGH TO PLAY EVERYTHING THEIR SUBSCRIBERS WANT. THEY PLAY UP AND COMING ARTISTS. THEY ***DON'T DO PAYOLA***

SCREW CORPORATE RADIO.
SCREW THE FCC.

LONG LIVE GOOD MUSIC. I AM PAYING FOR RADIO JUST FOR THE CHANCE TO HEAR IT ON A REGULAR BASIS.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Ames

VISIT THE BUZZ'S WEBSITE AND TELL THEM THAT THEY SUCK AND THAT THEY SHOULD PLAY LOUIS AND OTHER FLEDGLING BANDS

Even though it took 3 years... it was worth the wait!

Louis XIV at The Loft in Atlanta, GA
We finally met Mark! (Sorry, we don't have a pic with him, will post an old one later with further show details.) Hanging out with Brian was awesome... probably as good as the show itself! If these guys play a show anywhere near you, GO! They are amazing. Thanks guys, for being so damn cool with us... again!

Guitar Players Do It With Their Hands

I agree with most of the songs on the list still, but here are some new ones:

Michael Buble - Feeling Good - Alright, alright, I know this song is not rock and roll. It's not even close. I know people's grandmas listen to Buble. BUT THIS SONG IS HOT! His voice is stunning. It just...yearns...to be stripped to. I'm serious. It's freakin' hot. TRUST me.

Frederico Aubele - Postales. This is a great latin dance number. I seem to have developed a serious **thing** for latin women. And this song is a sexy beat with lilting spanish guitar and a soft, seductive vocal track that is just...hot.

Snow Patrol - Ways and Means - no words can describe it. just listen.

Gina Gershon - My Favorite Sin (from the Prey for Rock And Roll sdtrk.) - This one is so dirty and gritty. If you haven't seen Prey For Rock And Roll, I highly recommend it. It's got rocker chicks in leather pants, a raw, powerful soundtrack, and...Gina Gershon. GINA! COME ON!

Louis XIV - Louis XIV - This song makes me want to get naked. Is that bad? All the Louis songs, as Elaine said, are sexual. BUT THIS ONE....has the infamous line it, spoken over a scorching guitar like Jason has pushed you up against the wall and is purring it into your ear:

Who's your daddy?

It's me.



I also really like "Pledge Of Allegiance." I can't get over how hot it is to be told to "Keep this between me and you, OK?" Yipe. "Yes, of course. I won't tell a soul. If you do that again."

Turn Me On

Ok, so this is a pretty old list, but after re-reading it, the songs I entered still do it for me. What about you, Ames?

But I think we need to add to it.

And I think we need a rule for the songs that we add. Since this list was orginally written back when Amy and I were still single, oh so long ago, there was a certain... naughtiness behind most of the songs. SO, I think we should add to the list, but try to only add songs that turn us on in a dirty way, not in a "oh honey, you are so sweet to me, let's do it" kind of way. Because let's face it, nothing keeps a marriage hot like good old fashioned, dirty lust. {insert salacious grin here}

Without further ado:
Songs That Get Us Hot

Sweet Emotion Aerosmith -- It's a long story

Physical NIN version -- Reznor, growling, primal...

Turn Me On performed by Norah Jones -- reminds me of making out with a guy in the
corner of a smoky jazz club.

The Only Time Nine Inch Nails "This song is about.... FUCKING." The noise
he makes in the middle of the song.

The World in My Eyes Depeche Mode -- makes you wanna bump and grind.

Eleventeen Convoy -- This song is sex. Good, old fashioned, dirty sex. And DAMN do I love those drums! YEAH!

Downfall Trust Company -- It rocks so hard it makes Amy wanna rip her clothes off in a frenzy. (Note: Do not listen to this while driving...)

Delirium by Terra Firma (from Tomb Raider Sdtrk) -- Angelina Jolie in the shower. 'Nuff said.

The Fuse Bruce Springsteen -- grinding beat, that voice, an unbearably sexy little song with a life-affirming message behind it.

Fire ala Bruce Springsteen -- OH. MY. GOD. This is all Amy has to say about it.

Aqueous Transmission Incubus -- Well, okay, this one isn't full on
grope-me-now music, but it gets me going because of Brandon Boyd's silky voice and the relaxed, summer-afternoon feel of it.

Is Patience Still Waiting The Julianna Theory -- The lead singer of this band is REALLY HOT and this song is a loud, melodic, rock-your-hips-to-the-beat amazement. The way certain parts of the song are screamed really gets me going.

Wicked Garden Stone Temple Pilots -- BURNNNNNN! BURN! BURN! Burn your wicked garden down...

Smooth Santana with Rob Thomas -- Normally Rob Thomas' voice annoys me to the point where I want to shake him until he stops whining; but I think Santana's incredible, spine tingling guitar mellows out the voice. Or maybe Thomas doesn't whine so much in this song. Either way, this song really does it for me, I just want someone to do what Santana does to his guitar on my spine. Ummmmm hmmmmm.

Anything by Louis XIV Ok, so this will seem kind of kiss ass-y, but seriously, listen to the music and try *not* to have dirty thoughts. Impossible!

Sweet Emotion (in My Pants)

I know this isn’t a particularly original thing to confess, but Joe Perry has always done it for me. There isn’t any one thing that stands out for me; it’s just him. I want to do naughty things to him. I enjoy planning them.

When I was in high school I had a plan: I was going find a way to meet Aerosmith so that when they got inducted into the Hall of Fame I could give the speech. I even started to write it, confident that if my mere existence didn’t make Joe Perry fall instantly in love with me, my words would. Here’s a taste:

When I was five, I wanted to be Madonna. When I was twelve I wanted to be Janet Jackson. When I was sixteen I wanted Joe Perry.

Well, the boys got inducted without my wonderful speech and I moved on to Plan B. I would somehow manage to become a roadie for the band, get access to Joe Perry and convince him to wear nothing but tight, shiny, leather pants all the time. (I aim high, I know.)

So, in a feeble attempt to get access, I bought tickets to see Aerosmith from the grass section of a northern Virginia amphitheater in September, 2001. (They had a second stage in the grass, I was like, THIS close for a whole ten minutes.)

The concert was amazing. They played some of their absolute best songs and played them with more energy than I don’t even know what. Toward the end of the night the guys started to play “Sweet Emotion.” I love this song. I love the fat ass bass, I love the dulcimer, I love all the hooks. Of course, they jammed and made the song about ten minutes long. This is when the moment of glory occurred.

Joe Perry, wearing some flimsy shirt and tight tight pants, balanced his guitar between his thighs and fingered the neck with his left hand. With his right hand he reached back to his amplifier and started to twist the knob.

Now, I know Aerosmith jams on Sweet Emotion almost everytime they play it. Yes, I have seen Joe Perry play with his knobs many times. I get that technically, there was nothing special about it. But there was something about that performance, that night, that really resonated.

Thank GOD for the cameraman. Since I was standing miles away in the grass area, there is no way I ever would have gotten the erotic charge that I did had that INCREDIBLE cameraman not zoomed in on Joe Perry’s guitar and stayed there for the entire spectacle.

I stood in the middle of all the grass, jaw at my feet, at a loss for what my next plan would be to get access to this man and do terrible things to him.

Amy was with me and while she also appreciated the moment, she couldn’t help but laugh when she saw my reaction. (We are both convinced that the cameraman was actually a woman.)

I spent the rest of the night in a half stupor, re-living the moment over and over. (Every time I hear that song, at the very least, I squirm, at best…)

As we were getting ready to leave Amy and I were talking about the glorious moment. A girl who must have been around fifteen turned to us and said “Joe Perry has nice boobies.”

Honey, Joe Perry has nice EVERYTHING.

Someone Out There Loves Us

And thank God for that. We just found out that Louis XIV has a bunch of dates on the East Coast. YEAH! It has literally been *years* since we have seen the guys live. Can you believe it? And let me tell you... a lot happens in a few years. Anyway, since the guys have thrilled us with a fabulous EP (buy it, you know you want it) and have a record and a tour that extends outside of Cali, I thought it only appropriate that I remind people of what started the rock chicks fan frenzy in the first place. It was back when they were in a little band called Convoy...

CONVOY LIKED MY BOX…

OF DONUT HOLES.

So, everyone knows that Convoy is an (albeit teeny tiny) obsession of the Rock Chicks. The following little tale is a big part of the reason why. We saw them a few months ago (3 years ago!!!) at the 8X10 club in Baltimore. We were pretty big fans by then from seeing them earlier with Better Than Ezra at the NorVa.

I wanted to do something to make us stand out and make us memorable in the minds of the guys in the band. So, I thought about it, and what did I come up with? DONUT HOLES! All of the Convoy fans out there will understand why. So, I went to the donut shop and bought a big box of 50 donut holes. I decorated the outside of the box (“ROCK CHICKS!” and “CONVOY ROCKS THE CASBAH!” etc, etc.) and stuck it in a plastic bag.

When we got to the 8X10 we found out from this really cool booking guy that the guys were out getting sushi. We went into the club after getting past the incredibly scary, Jabba-the-hut-with-tattoos bouncer. We encountered Danny The Merchandise guy first. DANNY WAS COOL!! We gave him the password and he gave us lessons on how NOT to drive an RV. We let him get back to hanging Convoy posters, and were in the middle of plotting how to swipe one, (we never actually accomplished that feat) when in walks Jason Hill. Helllllllo Jason Hill. I caught site of him, and meandered (okay, okay, I sort of leaped) over to him to deliver the donut holes. He looked at us like we were crazy at first, but I think he realized we were just (and are just) VERY devoted fans. I gave him the donut holes and was very amused when this light bulb went off in his head and he looked up at me “OH! YOU were the one that sent that email!” YES! YES I WAS! (I had asked them what donut hole flavors they preferred. They didn’t write back. I don’t blame them. They had NO IDEA how cool we were then. They probably thought I was some nut job with a pastry fetish.) Then, he wanted to bum twenty bucks off us. LISTEN UP PEOPLE! BUY THEIR ALBUMS SO THE GUYS IN CONVOY DO NOT HAVE TO BUM MONEY OFF THEIR FANS! NOT THAT I MINDED! He gave it back like five minutes later.

We talked to Jason, and then he left the club, headed for the tour RV with the donut holes in tow. Jokes ensued about Jason holding my box, etc. We won’t get into it. One by one, the rest of the guys either a) talked to us or b) walked by looking frightened. Brian was EXTREMELY cool. Mike, their lighting guy, caught site of us and said “OH! You’re the ones that gave us the donut holes!” WE WERE SO IN!

The show started and it was like the guys were playing just for us. They would occasionally look down from the stage and smile at us. They watched us get into the show and we got the feeling that they were slightly glad we were there. We were happy to be there, they really know how to rock and they played a GREAT set in spite of a few technical difficulties and some idiot drunk guys yelling at them to play “Wet Cement.”

AFTER the show, we hung out with them some more, I showed them my tattoo, I scared Jason by offering to get a Convoy tattoo, Robbie looked afraid of us, Shaun did too, Brian was STILL cool, and Mark was…well, Mark was there and he looked really happy. We took pictures with the aid of a homeless photographer, bought stickers, which promptly went on my car, and watched the guys load their stuff into the beat-up Winnebago. ONCE AGAIN…. GO OUT AND BUY THE CD SO WE CAN GET THESE GUYS THE BIG SEXY TOUR BUS THEY DESERVE!!!! There were offers to be roadies, compliments on their new material, and general merriment all around.

I gotta say, that was the best rock and roll moment I have had since the very first time I saw Nine Inch Nails live. In fact, it was even better, because the guys were so damn cool. They should never wonder why we are such HUGE fans of theirs. The music itself would have done it, but the fact that they are SUCH nice guys puts them in a league of their very own. Plus, they ate out of my box. That was pretty cool too. Heh heh.

This is Louis, our new child. :-) Guess who he is named after? C'mon, take a guess... 

May 3rd Anyone?

Reznor said 5/3/5 on his site, anyone wanna place bets? ;-)

a note from the newlywed...

I won't be pontificating and stressing about the release date of With Teeth, because my ten years plus of devoted fanhood of Mr. Trent Reznor have led me to develop a state of zen regarding El Rezzo's habit of dicking around in the studio for years and years and picking at an album until it has finally FINALLY satisfied his OCD. I have learned over the years to take Mr. Reznor with a grain of salt and to concentrate on other great music that's out there (the Killers, Keane, LOUIS XIV!, (Elaine is gonna be mad at me for putting them third...), etc.)until the Dark Prince bestows another masterpiece on my ears.

Oh yeah...Louis XIV news...their CD has popped up in my database! Which means...I can sell their CD! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! JANUARY 25TH!! ILLEGAL TENDER! GO BUY IT!!!

About the SUV thing....I have also noticed the trend. I have also noticed a distinct correlation between the appearance of a rebel flag/Nascar logo/giant number 3/Calvin pissing on something/jesus fish, etc. coinciding with the appearance of a Bush sticker. I'm not saying there is any relation, that's just what I've seen.

That is all from the freshly married rockchick.
I still have cruise ship vertigo. It's like being drunk, but not as fun. You get all the dizziness and disorientation but none of the mindless stupidity.

Observation

Lately I've been noticing that damn near every person who plastered a George W. Bush sticker on their car is driving a big-ass, hard to see around, gas guzzling, giant accident causing, smog encouraging, waste of money SUV. And mostly luxury SUVs at that -- you know, the ones where the 4 wheel drive is a complete waste? I wonder, is this a coincidence? Or are more and more people ok with lining our sorry ass president's pockets with dirty oil money? hmmmmmmmm

OH! Trent Reznor posted on his site. With Teeth is done. Now, you might think this news would calm Amy down... watch she's gonna have 57 thousand posts now about when is the release date and how he better not change the date, etc. I would roll my eyes, but honestly, the whole thing is just a touch on the funny side to me. Hee hee! Love you, girl!

ENOUGH with the girl love!

I need a man.
And so I give you: Fantasy Interview of Joe Perry.

Elaine, dressed in her tightest leather pants and naughty Aerosmith t-shirt, has filled the studio with guitars of every shape, size and type in the hopes that sexy Mr. Perry will pick one up during the interview and start to play little songs. Songs that in her love-sick mind, Elaine will think were written just for her. She has also strategically placed video cameras in the room so that she can re-live the interview from a variety of angles.

Elaine: Be cool. I have to be cool. Where are my questions?!

Amy: Calm down, chick! You’re making ME nervous now!

Elaine: Yeah, ok, Miss-I-passed-out-when–Angelina-Jolie-winked-at-me. Seriously, WHERE are my questions?

[Leon taps on the glass and points to the floor where a small mountain of papers are strewn.]

Elaine: Ah, thanks, Leon. Hey! Am I all pink?

Amy: No, actually you’re more crimson.

Elaine: Greeeat. Thanks. Hey! You know what would really calm me down?

Amy: Scotch?

Elaine: BESIDES that.

Amy: Sex? NO! Really HOT sex in a laundry mat.

Elaine: Seriously, are you trying to kill me?

Amy: [laughs evilly] What would calm you down?

Elaine: Your Scott Stap impression.

Amy: Really?

Elaine: Yeah! Do it!

[Amy screws her face into a pained expression and waves her arms wildly. In a deep shaky voice she sings part of the chorus to “Arms Wide Open.” Both Rock Chicks and even Leon laugh at the impression. In fact, everyone is laughing so hard that no one realizes that Joe Perry has come into the booth, sat down and put on his headphones.]

Joe Perry: I think he waves his arms more than that.

[The Rock Chicks both freeze and turn a very deep shade of red. Leon actually ducks. Amy recovers first.]

Amy: Well, I make it a point to know as little about Creed as possible, so the impression really can’t be perfect.

Joe Perry: Totally understandable. [smiles]

[Elaine’s Side Note: Sadly, Joe Perry felt it necessary to be completely clothed for this interview. But he still looks HOT! He barely buttoned his light green shirt, which helps make up for the fact that he actually wore one. I would like to comment on his jeans, but I think it would make my head explode.]

Amy: Would you excuse me for a minute?

Joe Perry: Sure.

Amy: [smiling sweetly] Thanks. [Turns to face Leon] HEY! LEON! What the hell are you doing over there? You’re supposed to warn us about these things!

Leon: [shrugs] I’m sorry, I was laughing at your really good impression.

Amy: Flattery will get you nowhere, Leon. Look at what you did to Elaine!

[Everyone looks at Elaine who has gone from scarlet to ash white and is staring alternately at Joe Perry and the floor.]

Leon: I’m sorry, I really I am! Should I get her some black coffee or something?

Elaine: [mumbling] electro…shock…

Amy: Yeah, you’re sorry. You know, I managed to convince Britney Spears’ bikini waxer to let you fill in for Britney’s next appointment, but now I’m thinking maybe not.

Leon: [makes weird squeaking noise]

Joe Perry: Aw, now, don’t be so hard on the guy. It was a really good impression.

[Amy’s head swivels to Joe Perry and she plants a giddy smile on her face.]

Amy: Really? You think so?

Joe Perry: Yeah, it was the best I’ve seen. And Elaine’ll be ok, right?

Elaine: [still mumbling] sex god… knows… my… name [devious smile begins to grow on her face]

Amy: [Chuckling] I guess so. But LEON, you are NOT OFF THE HOOK! Now get Elaine some coffee or sugar or something.

[Leon runs out of control booth in pursuit of something that will bring Elaine back.]

Amy: Elaine….. hellooooooooo. [Waves hand in front of Elaine’s face. Elaine looks at Amy, then at Joe Perry, then the floor, then at Amy again, making a weird humming noise. She still looks like a ghost.] Well, let’s just give her a second. So, Joe, how’s it going? How’s the tour?

Joe Perry: It’s great. I love it. We go out there every night and it’s like we’re partying with our best friends. It’s a great rush.

Elaine: uhhhhh

Amy: I really get that sense at your shows. Like you’re having a really great time with some friends you haven’t seen in a while.

[Leon comes into room with hot tea and puts it in Elaine’s hand. Elaine doesn’t know how hot the tea is or that it is mostly brandy. She downs the drink in one gulp.]

Elaine: MOTHER @#$%&*! [She throws the mug at Leon as he runs out of the room. Despite her recent catatonic state, she actually has a decent aim and hits Leon on the shoulder. He grabs the mug from the floor and gets out of the room before Elaine finds anything else to throw.]

Joe Perry: Whoa.

Amy: Are you ok?

Elaine: [chugging water from a nearby pitcher] I will be in a minute. [gulps another glass of water] Leon, I love you, but you are gonna pay.

Joe Perry: Leon, run.

[Elaine is gesturing wildly at Leon about all of the painful things that will happen to him when the interview is over.]

Joe Perry: [looking at Elaine with furrowed brow] Is she ok?

Amy: Yeah. I can fix this. Hey, Elaine, I was just getting ready to tell Joe about your hair… in high school.

[Elaine snaps to attention and glares at Amy. Joe Perry looks very amused as Amy and Elaine take a few seconds to exchange odd facial expressions.]

Elaine: That is cruel and unusual and NOT for broadcasting!

Amy: Anything’s fair game when you’re not looking. [sweet smile]

Elaine: So, Joe, I’m really glad you were able to make it today. And I’m really sorry about that weird start there.

Joe Perry: No problem. We’ve had concerts start like that.

Elaine: Really?

Joe Perry: No. But thanks for asking me to be here. From the looks of the place, I’m guessing you want to talk guitars.

Amy: Actually, we were hoping you would play one.

Joe Perry: Sure, anything in particular you want to hear?

[Elaine’s Side Note: Wild dreams… coming true…]

Elaine: Well, no. Maybe you could just strum some background music or something.

Joe Perry: Ok.

[Amy and Elaine once again give each other crazy looks and exchange telepathic messages. Joe Perry picks up a silver Les Paul, sits back and starts to strum it. Leon sneaks in the room and re-adjusts microphones so that both Joe’s guitar and his voice are miked.]

Elaine: [clearly fantasizing] So, I wanted to ask you about Bobo.

Joe Perry: Alright.

Elaine: Well, mainly I wanted to thank you for finally putting it out since you’ve been teasing us with a blues inspired album for like ten years.

Joe Perry: [chuckling] Hey, foreplay is just part of good rock and roll.

[Amy and Elaine both loose it for a second. Leon is poised to enter the booth with smelling salts.]

Joe Perry: Actually we had a great time working on the album. We hand picked every track and the thing just smokes.

Amy: Yeah.

Elaine: Wanna give us a sample?

Joe Perry: Sure. [He easily switches from randomly strumming to the opening lick of Back Back Train.]

Amy and Elaine: Wow.

Elaine: This is why I love you.

Joe Perry: You should hear Tom’s bass line.

Elaine: Oooh, you are making my mind go to bad places.

Amy: You know what that means! One word answer time!

Joe Perry: I’ve been looking forward to this. Let’s go.

Elaine: Scott Stapp

Joe Perry: Funny

Elaine: Guitar

Joe Perry: Heaven

Elaine: Hot Sauce

Joe Perry: Excellent

Elaine: South Americans

Joe Perry: Friendly

Elaine: Cohasset

Joe Perry: Oh, Pump!

Elaine: Knobs

Joe Perry: Uh, twist.

[Elaine takes a minute to let the full body flush subside. Even Amy looses it for a few seconds. Leon gets worried that the dead air will never end.]

Elaine: Elaine

Joe Perry: Fantasy Woman

Elaine: YES! [passes out with gigantic smile on her face]

Amy: You know you are the first person who’s ever gotten that one right. Rock on Joe Perry! I love you so much more now!

Elaine: [mumbling from a semi-awake state as Leon tries to revive her] Hands off, Ames!

Amy: The first sign of recovery: staking her claim. Say, while she’s getting it back together, think you could maybe sing a little bit of Back Back Train?

Joe Perry: You bet. [He launches into the song and everyone in the studio sits and listens, enjoying the performance.]

Elaine: [after Joe finishes the song] See, Amy this is why we get along, great idea. And Joe, that was just amazing, I will never forget it.

Joe Perry: I probably won’t forget this whole experience anytime soon, either.

Amy: You know, the way you snuck in on us, we missed the big intro.

Elaine: You’re right, we did. How could we miss the big intro?

Joe Perry: You had a big intro? For me?

Elaine and Amy: Oh yeah.

Joe Perry: Well, do it now!

[Again, Elaine and Amy pause, exchanging mental notes.]

Elaine: Well, basically it consisted of Sweet Emotion playing in the background and talking about how hot you are. [Joe starts to strum Sweet Emotion]

Joe Perry: Um, ok.

Amy: Really, it was just an opportunity for me to embarrass Elaine without fear of retribution.

Joe Perry: Ah.

Elaine: But at the end we planned on racking up another FCC fine.

Joe Perry: I’m honored that you would do that for me.

Amy: Does honoring you equal a lifetime of good seats at your shows?

Joe Perry: Good seats? Hell, that’s worthy of seats on the stage and backstage passes for life.

[Elaine doesn’t even think about it, she just reaches for her check book, as an evil grin spreads across her face.]

Elaine: Ladies and Gentlemen, JOE FUCKIN’ PERRY!

I WAS GOING TO MOVE TO CANADA....

But my fiancee and I decided to stay and get more involved in everything. We will join PAC's and grassroots organizations and groups and the REVOLUTION WILL BEGIN.

Bush is going to self destruct anyway.

ANYWAY...enough about politics.

Here is my list of the top 10 reasons why I love Gina Gershon...
10. The red pants. She has this pair of red pants that she wore in PFRAR and her documentary that are amazing. I even bought my own pair of maroon velvet pants. Matt LOVES them. I call them my "Ode-to-Gina-Rock-Star" pants.
9. She is absolutely hilarious. (see her documentary!) You haven't lived until you've seen Gina sing "I'm not that skanky" in her tour bus.
8. GOD BLESS that mid-riff
7. She's in her 40's but she is viciously gorgeous.
6. SHE CAN PLAY GUITAR! AND SING! AND DO BOTH WELL!
5. She likes whips. I don't really know why that's so hot, but it is.
4. Her voice provides the voice of my computer. Make an error, and Gina tells me to lick her. Isn't technology great??
3. She's just as convincing as a cop or a Showgirl as she is as a punk rock star or a lesbian ex-con plumber.
2. She loves her friends and family. And her cat, Cleo.
1. She is deliciously sexually ambigous. YAY for fluid sexuality. I might have a shot! :-D (Hey, hey now, a girl can dream...)

Uhhh......

So, my mom and I were in the car last night, and she turns to me and says,

"I saw your website."

I immediately flash to all the female flesh displayed on our little blog-o-fun. I picture her reading my little fantasy interviews with Gina and Angie and Tia.

"What did you think?"

"I thought it was nice." She replied, eyes on the road, voice calm, no panic whatsoever.

HUH?

"You thought it was nice? Really??"

"Sure."

I stared at my ultra-conservative (yet voting for Kerry, yay) mother in shock.

"Are you feeling OK?" I asked, my eyes popping out of my head. This is the same woman who continually asks me if I'm a lesbian, even though she's footing the bill for my WEDDING coming up soon. She doesn't understand the whole "fluidity" theory... that people can fall anywhere on the scale of sexuality and slide along that scale to either extreme during their lifetime. Right now, I'm somewhere in the middle. ANYWAY...

"You didn't mind the half-naked women?!" I asked her, thinking maybe she was finally coming around. I KNOW she has a crush on Melina Kanakarides, that chick from Providence and now CSI: New York. I KNOW she does. But whatever.

"WHAT half naked women??? WHY would you put half naked women on your wedding website?"

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. oops. She wasn't talking about THIS website, she was talking about the little page I made on the knot.com. SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT!

She kept asking me what half naked women. All I had to say was "Ma, don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to."

Parents. Aren't they great?

I must be into S&M...

Because I'm sitting here in the most BORING class on earth...and I PAID MONEY to be here!! I must be crazy. I must be a secret fan of torture.

Anyway, enough about Coverage of Public Affairs (ack!)

I bought a new album that I want to let the world know about. The band is called The Music. If Aerosmith and Jane's Addiction had a baby and it grew up listening to 80's synth-pop and arena hair-bands, it would sound like The Music. I LOVE the album. It's glossy in a good way, full of good, hard driving beats, layered guitars and gorgeous arrangements that make the album pop. It just about crashes its way through your car stereo to sit and bop its head in the passenger seat. The singer's vocals are my only minor complaint. He sounds a little like the singer from Rush, but not enough like him to make me want to rip my eyeballs out and throw them at him, which is what happens when I listen to Rush. His voice reminds me a little of Perry Farrell too.

Anyway, that's about it. I'm going to go back to daydreaming about the chick at work that I have a big, giant girl crush on. I'm straight for the most part, but MAN she's hot.

Oh joy! We have an in-class project to do! YAY! FEEL THE ENTHUSIASM!

Prey For Gina Gershon

This is a new fantasy interview, straight out of my twisted little brain. I hope you like it. I CERTAINLY had fun writing it. (evil grin here)

Amy: Good afternoon, folks. Welcome to Rockchicks radio, I'm Amy.

Elaine: And I'm Elaine. Welcome to the insanity.

Amy: I'm SO excited!

Elaine: I know, look at you. I think if you sneezed or hiccuped, you'd be naked. Is that a shirt or a washcloth?

Amy: (blushing) Hey man, if any of the rumors have even a grain of truth, I want to be prepared. It is a shirt, by the way.

Elaine: Are you wearing underwear?

Amy: I refuse to answer that.

Elaine: For all the new listeners, the refusal to answer means no, she isn't wearing undies. You dirty girl! What would Angelina say? You wore undies when SHE was here.

Amy: Not for long. ANYWAY...What about when Joe Perry was here, huh?

[Moment of awkward, guilty silence. Rustling papers. A nervous cough]

Elaine: OK! Let's move on!

Amy: Uh huh. Today's guest, I am totally thrilled to say, is Miss Gina Gershon. Actress, singer, rock star goddess.

[sound clip of "Punk Rock Girl"]

Elaine: We don't talk about her as much as Angelina, but she is an official member of the Wishful Trio, as Amy calls it.

Amy: Tia being the third, in case anyone was wondering. Friday nights, 9 p.m., NBC.

[Leon opens the door and gives them the thumbs up sign. He clicks his tongue and whistles crudely at Amy's skirt. A CD case (belonging to Hilary Duff, therefore entirely expendable) is promptly heaved at his head. He shuts the door quickly and Hilary lies face down on the floor of the studio.]

Elaine: The rumors my sexually ambivalent friend is referring to involve Gina's sexuality. She's played a lesbian in quite a few movies, leading those in the biz to think she might be a lesbian herself.

Amy: It's no one's business. I just have to go with the odds, ya know?

Elaine: Absolutely.

[Leon signals with two short knocks on the door that Gina is in the building.]

Amy: Ohhhh. She's on her way up. I need an altoid. Where's my purse? I need a mint. I must be minty. Altoids...

Elaine: Hey, rain man! Relax! Ames, what are you doing?

[She watches Amy stand up and find her purse on the floor of the studio, leaving her headphones on the table.]

Amy: My purse is right here. I need an altoid. Where are they? Have you seen my altoids?

Elaine: Ames, sweetie, you're freakin' me out. Sit down, because Gina is almost here.

Amy: One sec...

[Amy bends over to fish in her purse.]

Elaine: Gahh! Don't give away the farm! Jeez!

[Gina picks that moment to open the door. She's wearing Amy's favorite red velvet pants, a vintage Doors T-Shirt and big pilot sunglasses. She is confronted by Amy's barely-clothed bottom and Elaine's mortified but amused smirk.]

Gina: Oh. So, it's that kind of show, huh?

[She licks her top lip and grins, and Elaine knows Amy just missed a REALLY hot Gina moment because her ass was in the air. Amy can feel red-hot mortification rising from her toes to her head. She turns to face Gina, blinking at the fact that she is wearing THE pants.]

Amy: ...altoid?

Gina: Sure.

[Gina takes an altoid and slides it seductively onto her tongue.]

Elaine: Ames?

Amy: Hmmmmm? [staring wide-eyed at Gina]

Elaine: Wanna sit down now so we can do this?

Amy: Mmmmm. Hmmmm? Wha?

Elaine: SIT.

Amy: Right, right. Sorry.

Elaine: Gina, it's great to meet you. We are both fans. Amy is a big, BIG fan.

Gina: I can see that. Are ya gonna make it?

[She aims the question at Amy as she slides her sunglasses up to sit on her head, revealing gorgeous, deep brown eyes.]

Amy: Uh huh. [Still seeing Gina sliding the mint into her mouth over and over and over gain, like a skipping movie. Elaine kicks her hard under the table. Amy sits bolt upright and seems to wake from her trance.]

Elaine: Welcome back.

Amy: Thanks. Sorry. SO, Gina. I just want to say that Prey For Rock and Roll was GREAT. The thing I liked best about it was the fact that you are a genuinely talented musician and singer. A true Rockchick, if you will.

Gina: Awww, that's so sweet, thank you.

Amy: You're welcome. My question is, the soundtrack with you on vocals was amazing. Do you ever plan to put out another album?

Gina: Actually, yes. I've been working with the guys from Aerosmith and we...

Elaine: WHAT?

Gina: The guys from Aerosmith. Steven Tyler and Joe Perry. They are helping me out with backup guitars and production. They are so damn cool.

Elaine and Amy, simultaneously: You are working with Joe Perry????

Gina: Yep. I hear you guys are big fans.

[Dead air as Amy and Elaine stare blankly and imagine Gina and Joe in the same room, both creating music. It's too much.]

Gina: I brought you a rough track, do you want to hear it? [She takes a CD out of the little purse she brought with her and hands it to Leon, who has magically appeared in the doorway. Elaine and Amy are still silent and open-mouthed. They snap out of it at the mention of listening to music.]

Elaine: Throw it on. That is great that you are making a new album. We love the soundtrack.

[The sound of guitars and a throbbing bass beat fill the studio. Gina chimes into the track in her throaty, Joan-Jett-meets-Courtney-Love-before-she-lost-her-damn-mind voice. They listen to the track for a few moments before Leon turns it down. It becomes background music for the interview.]

Amy: Wow. Wow. This is really...really good.

Gina: Thanks. The album is coming out early next year.

Elaine: What does Joe Perry smell like?

Gina: [not missing a beat] Like leather and soap.

Elaine: Did he wear his yin yang pants?

Amy: This is the point in the interview where *I* actually get to be the sane one. And Gina Gershon is here! That is crazy! ELAINE! Snap out of it! Focus!

Elaine: [shakes her head] Right, right. sorry. So, uhh...

Gina: Actually, before anything else is said, let me say that I'm a fan of you guys. Whenever I'm in the city, I listen. I loved your interview with John Stewart. I'm really shocked that he let you guys do that to him. Isn't that act a misdemeanor in the state of New York?

Elaine: We aren't allowed to discuss that incident until it's cleared by legal.

Amy: Yep. So, you listen to the show?

Gina: Yeah. I know someone that I think you, Amy, would be interested in meeting.

Amy: Really?

Gina: Oh yeah. She's a great friend of mine, I met her when we were both in a movie way back. I brought her with me today. Want me to go get her?

Amy: Um, sure?

[Gina gets up and leaves. Amy and Elaine stare blankly at each other.]

Elaine: Maybe it's Drea De Matteo. You were just saying last week how cool she is and how much you like her. And they've been in a movie together.

Amy: That's probably it. That makes sense. I think I...

[Stops dead in her tracks. The door has opened and Tia Texada has stepped in, looking delicious in jeans and a black sweater. Gina follows, looking excited.]

Elaine: Oh. My. God. I think Amy's head is going to explode.

Amy: Holy Shit.

Elaine: FCC Fine number seven for this month. And its only the 3rd.

Tia: Hello. How are you ladies?

Elaine: We are fantastic. Sit down, Tia. Welcome to the show. There are some headphones for you. Wow, this is really cool. I like Third Watch too. Great show. I really liked when you tortured the murderer in the hospital to get information out of him. That was hot. Amy thought so too, right? Amy? Ames?

Amy: [...imagining herself as a the filling in a Tia-Gina sandwich...] Wha? I'm sorry, I'm just blindsided. You don't have Angelina back there somewhere too, do you? I think there is some rule that if the Wishful Trio are all in the same room at the same time, the universe implodes.

Tia: The wishful trio?

Amy: Aw shit.

Elaine: Ames, no more cursing. I told you, the whole John Stewart fiasco burned through our fine money. The FCC is riding us hard. Be good!

Amy: Right. Sorry.

Elaine: [turning to Tia] She's a HUGE fan of yours. She's always harassing people to watch the show.

Tia: I heard. Not many people know who I am, so when I saw myself on your website, and Gina told me she was coming on the show, we thought it would be cool to show up and rock your world a little bit.

[Amy is whimpering and appearing very much like a teenage girl who has just been asked out by the hottest guy in school. It was mostly happiness, but panic hovered around the edges.]

Elaine: OK, since Amy can't speak, I'll be her. So, Tia. I think you are the hottest woman on television. I like that Mariska lady from Law and Order SVU, but she isn't as hot as you are. I think you are really sexy too, Gina. But more than that, you both kick serious butt.

Amy: [mumbling] Documentary...

[All three woman turn to her.]

Tia: What honey? [Tia looks genuinely concerned.]

Amy: I love Gina's documentary.

Elaine: A WHOLE SENTENCE! She's back!

Amy: I am going to kill you later and dump your body in the swamp.

Elaine: She's just saying that. Last week it was tie me to the railroad tracks.

Gina: You like the documentary, huh?

Amy: Yeah. I bought it the day it came out on DVD. You just rock so damn hard. I think it's really cool that this great actress can turn around and be a full-fledged, honestly talented rock star.

Tia: You know, if you play back the show in Austin frame by frame, you can see me in the audience. I flashed Gina. They edited out most of it, but you can still see a little nipple if you pause it at just the right moment.

Gina: That was so awesome. You have very nice tits, by the way.

Tia: Thank you, so do you, mami.

[Amy is gazing into space, in awe of the fact that not only were Tia and Gina friends, but that nakedness had passed between them.]

Elaine: I think Ames is out again. It's OK. Let's look at her notes....ahh, ok! One word answer time!

Tia: Ohh, yah, I heard about this. Go ahead.

Elaine: All you have to do is say the first thing that pops into your mind. [They nod.] Cool, here we go. Sex.

Tia: Hot.

Gina: Wet.

[Amy lets out a tiny gasp.]

Elaine: NICE. OK, next one... San Diego.

Tia: Uhh...zoo?

Gina: Oh, oh, I know! I know! Louis the fourteenth!

Elaine: Excellent work! Miss Gershon gets four gold stars!

Tia: That is the band you guys like, right?

Gina: They are really good. I saw them with the Killers in Los Angeles a while back. Hot guys. All three of them.

Amy: OK. I'm back. Now that the cat is out of the bag, so to speak. You both know I think you're hot. That is no secret. I mean, look at you. Anyway, let me do the next one. OK...mine is...leather.

Tia: Pants.

Gina: Whip.

Amy: Wow. Uhhh...last one. Chocolate.

Tia: Syrup.

Gina: Kisses.

[Elaine and Amy grin and nod.]

Amy: Do either of you have any tattoos?

Tia: I have one, want to see it? [She stands up and pulls down the waistband of her jeans to reveal a tiny dragon in a ring of fire.]

Amy: [Gets up close to look at it, but everyone knows it's just an excuse.] That is beautiful work.

Tia: Thank you. I have one more. Maybe I'll show you that one later. [She smiles wickedly at both Amy and Gina. Amy's eyes widen and she silently thanks the powers that be for creating latin women.]

Elaine: OK, well, unfortunately, we are out of time. Everyone needs to go rent Prey For Rock And Roll and buy the soundtrack. It will make you believe that there are some actors who really are capable of being bona fide musicians.

Gina: Thank you!

Tia: Hey, we are going to lunch, you want to come?

Elaine: I can't, I think I have an appointment or something. Ames?

Amy: I LOVE this job!

Elaine: Allllll right folks, that raps up this edition of Rockchicks radio. Next week, we'll talking to Charlize Theron, so I get to be the one all hot and bothered during the interview.

Amy: Thank God. Bye folks!

[Sound clip of "Doll Parts" fades to commercial.]

As promised...the top 10 reasons why Trent is driving me slowly insane...

Hello good people! Now, everyone knows three things about me: 1. I love my fiancee 2. I love Angelina Jolie 3. I love Trent Reznor. Now, of the three of them...Trent Reznor is the only one that both completely infuriates me and inspires absolute adoration at the same time. The guy is maddening. He's sexy as hell. He's poetic. He's intelligent.

And he's driving me CRAZY.

Here's why:
10. He first started affecting me and my hormones when I was sixteen. I didn't lose my virginity until MUCH later. So, I had to endure...years...of angst and music that made me want to tear my clothes off in public before I got to do anything about it.

9. When he moans and groans and makes guttural noises in songs, and I'm in the car, I narrowly avoid old ladies walking their dogs on the sidewalk and large trees.

8. We celebrated the five year anniversary of The Downward Spiral, but then we got rewarded by The Fragile, which is a piece of music I consider one of the best ever created. Now, here we are at the five year anniversary of The Fragile....and still no new album. C'mon, man, hand it over already!!

7. El Rezzo is the MASTER of aggravating marketing strategies. He slaps that "halo" label on everything he puts out, including rare imports and singles only released in Zimbabwe, so the fans go NUTS trying to collect all the halos. The man is a marketing GENIUS. Because he knows that his nerdy little fans, the ones who play halo and own the version of Closer with the Super Mario brothers theme mixed in, will go to the ends of the earth, or to every corner of Ebay, to find them. Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

6. I have only had the extreme, sublime pleasure of seeing him once in concert, for the Fragility tour. If SOMEONE would tour more, then I might be able to up that number. It's not right to have body art dedicated to someone you've only seen once live, because he only tours when he puts out an album, and we all know how often THAT happens.

5. This isn't a reason why he's driving me insane, but did you know that you can use his lyrics in every day life? For example, when Matt (afforementioned fiancee) calls me and asks, "What are you up to?" I can say, "Talking to myself on the way to the station." etc. The uses are endless. Try it sometime.

4. Rezman's fans that aren't really fans DRIVE ME CRAZY. You know one. Perhaps you are one. They are those people that say "Oh yeah! Nine Inch Nails! I know them! I love that song...what's it called? Oh yeah...I want to fuck you like an animal. I love that wanna fuck you song." grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

3. Just when I think I am about to go stomping off to New Orleans, find the little weiner and plonk him upside the head, he updates the website. And bliss is restored. Even if the update is simply, "Yeah, uhh...we are still working on stuff. "

2. The guy is just too damn hot. He's hot when he's slinking around like walking death with a goatee, he's hot when he's unshaven and ragged and looking like he just argued on the phone with Manson for ten hours straight, he's hot when he's singing AND when he's not. He's just hot. He's go-without-underwear-under-your-little-slinky-skirt hot. He's take-me-in-the-back-of-the-tour-bus hot. Dammit.

1. I just wasted almost half an hour writing about the guy. Bastard.

I guess I should get to class now. HAH!
JUANITA (AKA AMY)