ENOUGH with the girl love!

I need a man.
And so I give you: Fantasy Interview of Joe Perry.

Elaine, dressed in her tightest leather pants and naughty Aerosmith t-shirt, has filled the studio with guitars of every shape, size and type in the hopes that sexy Mr. Perry will pick one up during the interview and start to play little songs. Songs that in her love-sick mind, Elaine will think were written just for her. She has also strategically placed video cameras in the room so that she can re-live the interview from a variety of angles.

Elaine: Be cool. I have to be cool. Where are my questions?!

Amy: Calm down, chick! You’re making ME nervous now!

Elaine: Yeah, ok, Miss-I-passed-out-when–Angelina-Jolie-winked-at-me. Seriously, WHERE are my questions?

[Leon taps on the glass and points to the floor where a small mountain of papers are strewn.]

Elaine: Ah, thanks, Leon. Hey! Am I all pink?

Amy: No, actually you’re more crimson.

Elaine: Greeeat. Thanks. Hey! You know what would really calm me down?

Amy: Scotch?

Elaine: BESIDES that.

Amy: Sex? NO! Really HOT sex in a laundry mat.

Elaine: Seriously, are you trying to kill me?

Amy: [laughs evilly] What would calm you down?

Elaine: Your Scott Stap impression.

Amy: Really?

Elaine: Yeah! Do it!

[Amy screws her face into a pained expression and waves her arms wildly. In a deep shaky voice she sings part of the chorus to “Arms Wide Open.” Both Rock Chicks and even Leon laugh at the impression. In fact, everyone is laughing so hard that no one realizes that Joe Perry has come into the booth, sat down and put on his headphones.]

Joe Perry: I think he waves his arms more than that.

[The Rock Chicks both freeze and turn a very deep shade of red. Leon actually ducks. Amy recovers first.]

Amy: Well, I make it a point to know as little about Creed as possible, so the impression really can’t be perfect.

Joe Perry: Totally understandable. [smiles]

[Elaine’s Side Note: Sadly, Joe Perry felt it necessary to be completely clothed for this interview. But he still looks HOT! He barely buttoned his light green shirt, which helps make up for the fact that he actually wore one. I would like to comment on his jeans, but I think it would make my head explode.]

Amy: Would you excuse me for a minute?

Joe Perry: Sure.

Amy: [smiling sweetly] Thanks. [Turns to face Leon] HEY! LEON! What the hell are you doing over there? You’re supposed to warn us about these things!

Leon: [shrugs] I’m sorry, I was laughing at your really good impression.

Amy: Flattery will get you nowhere, Leon. Look at what you did to Elaine!

[Everyone looks at Elaine who has gone from scarlet to ash white and is staring alternately at Joe Perry and the floor.]

Leon: I’m sorry, I really I am! Should I get her some black coffee or something?

Elaine: [mumbling] electro…shock…

Amy: Yeah, you’re sorry. You know, I managed to convince Britney Spears’ bikini waxer to let you fill in for Britney’s next appointment, but now I’m thinking maybe not.

Leon: [makes weird squeaking noise]

Joe Perry: Aw, now, don’t be so hard on the guy. It was a really good impression.

[Amy’s head swivels to Joe Perry and she plants a giddy smile on her face.]

Amy: Really? You think so?

Joe Perry: Yeah, it was the best I’ve seen. And Elaine’ll be ok, right?

Elaine: [still mumbling] sex god… knows… my… name [devious smile begins to grow on her face]

Amy: [Chuckling] I guess so. But LEON, you are NOT OFF THE HOOK! Now get Elaine some coffee or sugar or something.

[Leon runs out of control booth in pursuit of something that will bring Elaine back.]

Amy: Elaine….. hellooooooooo. [Waves hand in front of Elaine’s face. Elaine looks at Amy, then at Joe Perry, then the floor, then at Amy again, making a weird humming noise. She still looks like a ghost.] Well, let’s just give her a second. So, Joe, how’s it going? How’s the tour?

Joe Perry: It’s great. I love it. We go out there every night and it’s like we’re partying with our best friends. It’s a great rush.

Elaine: uhhhhh

Amy: I really get that sense at your shows. Like you’re having a really great time with some friends you haven’t seen in a while.

[Leon comes into room with hot tea and puts it in Elaine’s hand. Elaine doesn’t know how hot the tea is or that it is mostly brandy. She downs the drink in one gulp.]

Elaine: MOTHER @#$%&*! [She throws the mug at Leon as he runs out of the room. Despite her recent catatonic state, she actually has a decent aim and hits Leon on the shoulder. He grabs the mug from the floor and gets out of the room before Elaine finds anything else to throw.]

Joe Perry: Whoa.

Amy: Are you ok?

Elaine: [chugging water from a nearby pitcher] I will be in a minute. [gulps another glass of water] Leon, I love you, but you are gonna pay.

Joe Perry: Leon, run.

[Elaine is gesturing wildly at Leon about all of the painful things that will happen to him when the interview is over.]

Joe Perry: [looking at Elaine with furrowed brow] Is she ok?

Amy: Yeah. I can fix this. Hey, Elaine, I was just getting ready to tell Joe about your hair… in high school.

[Elaine snaps to attention and glares at Amy. Joe Perry looks very amused as Amy and Elaine take a few seconds to exchange odd facial expressions.]

Elaine: That is cruel and unusual and NOT for broadcasting!

Amy: Anything’s fair game when you’re not looking. [sweet smile]

Elaine: So, Joe, I’m really glad you were able to make it today. And I’m really sorry about that weird start there.

Joe Perry: No problem. We’ve had concerts start like that.

Elaine: Really?

Joe Perry: No. But thanks for asking me to be here. From the looks of the place, I’m guessing you want to talk guitars.

Amy: Actually, we were hoping you would play one.

Joe Perry: Sure, anything in particular you want to hear?

[Elaine’s Side Note: Wild dreams… coming true…]

Elaine: Well, no. Maybe you could just strum some background music or something.

Joe Perry: Ok.

[Amy and Elaine once again give each other crazy looks and exchange telepathic messages. Joe Perry picks up a silver Les Paul, sits back and starts to strum it. Leon sneaks in the room and re-adjusts microphones so that both Joe’s guitar and his voice are miked.]

Elaine: [clearly fantasizing] So, I wanted to ask you about Bobo.

Joe Perry: Alright.

Elaine: Well, mainly I wanted to thank you for finally putting it out since you’ve been teasing us with a blues inspired album for like ten years.

Joe Perry: [chuckling] Hey, foreplay is just part of good rock and roll.

[Amy and Elaine both loose it for a second. Leon is poised to enter the booth with smelling salts.]

Joe Perry: Actually we had a great time working on the album. We hand picked every track and the thing just smokes.

Amy: Yeah.

Elaine: Wanna give us a sample?

Joe Perry: Sure. [He easily switches from randomly strumming to the opening lick of Back Back Train.]

Amy and Elaine: Wow.

Elaine: This is why I love you.

Joe Perry: You should hear Tom’s bass line.

Elaine: Oooh, you are making my mind go to bad places.

Amy: You know what that means! One word answer time!

Joe Perry: I’ve been looking forward to this. Let’s go.

Elaine: Scott Stapp

Joe Perry: Funny

Elaine: Guitar

Joe Perry: Heaven

Elaine: Hot Sauce

Joe Perry: Excellent

Elaine: South Americans

Joe Perry: Friendly

Elaine: Cohasset

Joe Perry: Oh, Pump!

Elaine: Knobs

Joe Perry: Uh, twist.

[Elaine takes a minute to let the full body flush subside. Even Amy looses it for a few seconds. Leon gets worried that the dead air will never end.]

Elaine: Elaine

Joe Perry: Fantasy Woman

Elaine: YES! [passes out with gigantic smile on her face]

Amy: You know you are the first person who’s ever gotten that one right. Rock on Joe Perry! I love you so much more now!

Elaine: [mumbling from a semi-awake state as Leon tries to revive her] Hands off, Ames!

Amy: The first sign of recovery: staking her claim. Say, while she’s getting it back together, think you could maybe sing a little bit of Back Back Train?

Joe Perry: You bet. [He launches into the song and everyone in the studio sits and listens, enjoying the performance.]

Elaine: [after Joe finishes the song] See, Amy this is why we get along, great idea. And Joe, that was just amazing, I will never forget it.

Joe Perry: I probably won’t forget this whole experience anytime soon, either.

Amy: You know, the way you snuck in on us, we missed the big intro.

Elaine: You’re right, we did. How could we miss the big intro?

Joe Perry: You had a big intro? For me?

Elaine and Amy: Oh yeah.

Joe Perry: Well, do it now!

[Again, Elaine and Amy pause, exchanging mental notes.]

Elaine: Well, basically it consisted of Sweet Emotion playing in the background and talking about how hot you are. [Joe starts to strum Sweet Emotion]

Joe Perry: Um, ok.

Amy: Really, it was just an opportunity for me to embarrass Elaine without fear of retribution.

Joe Perry: Ah.

Elaine: But at the end we planned on racking up another FCC fine.

Joe Perry: I’m honored that you would do that for me.

Amy: Does honoring you equal a lifetime of good seats at your shows?

Joe Perry: Good seats? Hell, that’s worthy of seats on the stage and backstage passes for life.

[Elaine doesn’t even think about it, she just reaches for her check book, as an evil grin spreads across her face.]

Elaine: Ladies and Gentlemen, JOE FUCKIN’ PERRY!