Fantastic Voyage Part One

Since Mr. Reznor is finally FINALLY giving us something to look forward to, the timing seems perfect to dust off our fantasy interview. Enjoy!

Juanita and Pequita Interview Trent Reznor

The situation: The Juanita and Pequita Rock and Roll Show has made it big on FM Radio and we now have a swank studio in the heart of NYC. Of course, all the celebrities are dying to get on the show, but we're so hot that there is a waiting list. Of course, some people NEVER have to wait.

Elaine: Okay, everyone, we are here in the studio with Mr. Trent Reznor, of Nine Inch Nails. He's in town to do a show tonight at the Hillside Amphitheater, and the rock gods have blessed us with an interview. Amy, just to let the listeners get a mental image, is dolled up to the nines in leather pants and a slinky tank top. She's really tryin' hard, aren't ya sister?

Amy: He will be mine. OH YES...He WILL be mine.

Elaine: Our producer, Leon, just signaled that Trent is coming down the hall. Okay, ladies, gents and all you other people that listen to our show, here he is, Trent Reznor.

[canned applause followed by a sound clip of Suck]

Elaine: Hey, Amy: Trent. Clothed. New York. Studio.

Amy: Shut up! Welcome, Trent. I hear you are a fan of the show.

[Amy's side-note: Trent is wearing a black fuzzy turtle-neck and faded levi jeans. His hair is loose and wild, and sticking up on top, making me think of him as being in a post-nap or post-sex state.]

Trent: Yeah, I am. I really liked it when you had Marilyn Manson on interviewing Britney Spears. That was good radio. I'm surprised you got her to agree to do it.

Elaine: That one was tricky. We bribed her by telling her Justin Timberlake was going to be here to beg her to come back to him. I hear she's still in therapy.

Trent: Here's hoping.

Amy: So, Trent, the new album is great. It's really gritty and raw. I know you said that you were going to return to a rougher, more basic sound this time out, and I think that you have done it. This CD sounds similar to Broken. You were at a very trying time in your life during the recording of the Broken EP. Does this new, harder record reflect another dark period in your life?

Trent: Not really. I'm not in the same place I was when I did Broken. I just wanted to get back to my roots, back to that electronic beat-box sound I used to love when I first discovered Skinny Puppy and Ministry. This album is more of an homage to my beginnings. The lyrics are not as hateful as the lyrics on Broken. I am at a pretty good period in my life right now, I just wanted to make a hard album.

Elaine: Hard is good. On many, many levels. And Amy, I must say I am proud of you for starting out all professional. I figured you would go right for the Playgirl question, like when Convoy was here.

Amy: Hee hee. [foolish grin] Let me work here, woman! Do you ever rock out to your own music in the car?

Trent: No, I think I sound weird in my own stuff; I never listen to it once it's out there. Besides, I would constantly be finding stuff to change. Albums would be recalled, I would never stop working, it'd be bad.

Amy: What do you rock out to? Elaine and I like Nikka Costa in the car, along with Nails. If we are feeling really adventurous, Elaine's funk CD.

Elaine: Hey, now, don't knock the funk.

Trent: [shaking head and smiling] Right now, I am really into this 80's Goth Rock band from Cleveland called the Filthy Maggots. They are pretty cool.

Elaine: I think that is the best band name I have ever heard.

Amy: Trent?

Trent: Yes?

Amy: Want to see my tattoos?

Elaine: Ohh no, here we go...

Trent: Sure, whip 'em out.

[Amy's side note: I suddenly found myself all hot and bothered by the fact that he said "whip 'em out." I sat staring at him for a moment before I realized he was waiting for me to show him some skin. I showed him the tattoos, saving the one of his own band logo for last.]

[Elaine's side note: Chat rooms are suddenly buzzing as listeners cash in on a bet regarding how long it would take Amy to show her tattoos. I lose the bet, thinking it would take Amy 45 seconds, when it actually took 93.]

Amy: Do you think I'm crazy?

Trent: [grinning stupidly] No. I have to marry you now.

Amy: Pardon me?

Trent: I have to marry you now.

Amy: [breathing erratically] You do? Okay.

Trent: [laughing] I always told myself when I was just starting out that if I ever found a girl with a NIN tattoo, I would marry her.

Amy: Is June good for you?

[Amy's side note: Trent laughs again, I think he thinks I'm kidding.]

Trent: June is good.

Elaine: Can Robin Finck and I be bridesmaids?

Amy: I think we can do that.

Elaine: Yes!

Amy: So, Trent, if you, Marilyn Manson, Robin Finck, Maynard and David Bowie were stranded on Mount Everest and you had to eat someone to stay alive, which person would you eat first and why?

Trent: Hmm...I have to say, I would probably eat Manson first. He has so many toxins floating around in his blood that I would probably go into a drug-induced stupor and not give a shit that I was hungry and trapped on a mountain. Once Manson ran out, I'd probably eat Robin next. He has the most meat.

Amy: Interesting. Okay, one-word answer time.

Trent: Lay it on me.

Elaine: Hello, Amy. [waving hand in front of Amy's unblinking eyes]

[In Amy's head: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........what? Oh yeah, the interview......]

Amy: Piano or violin?

Trent: Piano.

Amy: Baked or Fried?

Trent: Fried.

Amy: Summer or winter?

Trent: Winter.

Elaine: Silk or Satin?

Trent: Silk.

Elaine: Describe the state you are in right now using one word.

Trent: Uhh...amused.

Elaine: Sorry, the correct answer was "inlovewithamy."

Amy: That's true, you did ask me to marry you, and I won't live in a loveless marriage.

Trent: Have you guys ever been sued?

Elaine: Not yet but the night is young.

Amy: Vanilla Ice or M.C. Hammer?

Trent: [eyebrows are furrowed] Vanilla Ice. Is this going to be printed?

Amy: Of course. Okay, word association time! Ready?

Trent: Um, yeah?

Amy: Caribbean?

Trent: Rum.

Amy: New Orleans?

Trent: Home.

Amy: Cleveland?

Trent: Shithole.

Amy: That's lovely. Sex?

Trent: Sure.

[long pause]

[Elaine tries to hide giggles as she watches Amy contemplate Trent.]

Amy: Uhh....umm...uhh...Limp Bizkit?

Trent: You follow 'sex' with 'Limp Bizkit?'

Amy: Yes, I was drifting down into my bad place. I needed something completely un-sexy.

Trent: Oh, okay. Horrid.

[Elaine completely looses her cool and cracks up laughing.]

Amy: Limp Bizkit?

Trent: Yes. Horrid.

Elaine: I can't believe he just used that word.

Amy: Okay. Ricki Lake?

Trent: Ricki Lake?

Amy: Yes.

Trent: uhh....pretty.

Amy: What? Seriously?

Trent: Yeah. [looks like he wants to hide under his turtleneck]

Amy: Hey, ya know, whatever floats your boat.

Trent: You are kinda floating my boat, my future wife.

Amy: Oh really?

Elaine: You guys out in radio land can't see this, but Amy is turning a brilliant shade of pink.

Amy: Are you hitting on me?

Trent: Quite possibly. [evil grin]

Amy: All right, how much did Elaine pay you?

Trent: I am not aware of any endorsement deals.

Elaine: So, Trent, since this IS an interview, exactly how big is the rock you are going to get my friend here? Hello? Oh geez. Well, people, um, my co-host and her rock-god boyfriend have just disappeared under the table. Um, guys? Ow! That was my foot! Okay, I hear some funky noises. Hey, Trent, is Hurt about self-mutilation? He moaned, maybe that means yes. Okay, we are going to commercial now.