I feel the need to tell you this up front, as plain as possible, because Amy and I got a teeny bit carried away. Go figure.Anyway. Neither one of us has ever met Rob Pattinson, but we are both a tad obsessed with Twilight. And you know how our imaginations get carried away when we're obsessed...
We both agree that this is our most favorite fantasy interview so far. I say so far because we have much MUCH more up our sleeves.
So as you read this, please keep in mind that we've never met Rob Pattinson and this interview never happened. Except in my head. (Which by the way, is an awesome place to be.)
Here it goes...
Elaine: Good morning my caffeinated lovelies. We hope you're enjoying your drive to work. It's tough for us to get up this early too, but the RockChicks couldn't pass up the prime morning drive time slot, could we Ames?
Amy: [Passed out on the desk, her headphones askew on her head.] Uh?
Elaine: That is Amy-morning-speak for "Good point, Elaine. I agree with you one hundred percent." Hey, Leon? Amy needs her stuff.
[Leon, longtime RockChicks producer, co-conspirator and freshly, not to mention necessarily, licensed bail bondsman, comes in with a can of Diet Mountain Dew. He pokes a straw in it and angles the end toward Amy's lips. She downs the soda in a few gulps and sits up]
Elaine: She lives! Hey Ames, did you do your prep for today's show?
Amy: I don't remember.
Elaine: Seriously? So you don't remember who's here today?
Amy: Uhh…no.
[For the first time, Amy takes a close look at Elaine and realizes that Elaine is wearing her eyeliner in the bad ass rock star way that Jason from Louis XIV showed her on his last visit. She somehow managed get her hair into a sexy, tussled look, rather than the usual rat’s nest. She capped it all off with a deep v-neck top to show off the red apple charm that is settled less-than-subtly just above her cleavage.]
Elaine: Want a hint?
Amy: Sure.
[Elaine punches a button on the board and "Supermassive Black Hole" pumps into the studio, making the windows vibrate.]
Amy: No. Nooooo…..are you serious?
Elaine: You really forgot? I can't believe it. You've been talking about this for months, since we scored the interview. Now the day is finally here and you totally forgot?
Amy: Oh crap. CRAP! I look like I got backhanded by the ugly stick this morning! I didn't even brush my hair! Why didn't you call me last night?!
Elaine: Uhhh…. I was prepping.
Amy: Holy mother of God. Is he really here?
Elaine: Yup! Ok all you RockChick fans out there. If you listen to the show a lot, which I KNOW you all do, then you know all about our little obsession with the Twilight series…
Leon: [coming in on the line, aghast] Little?
Elaine: YOUUUU…just…be quiet Mr. Can-you-guys-hook-me-up-with-Alice.Amy: How long do I have?
Elaine: Exactly three minutes.
Amy: Ffffffffffuck.
Leon and Elaine: AMES!
Amy: Sorry. There's enough money in the FCC jar to cover it since I lost that bet with Mariska Hargitay…. [stares dreamily into space]
Leon: Two minutes.
Amy: Aw hell. He's too young for me, so it doesn’t really matter, I guess… [She grabs her brush from the emergency caboodle stashed under the desk and runs it furiously through her hair anyway. She mutters a thanks to the gods of all things girly when she finds her favorite peppermint lip gloss and quickly smears some on.]
Elaine: Nice recovery, Ames. Ok folks, it's time. This gentleman had the huge task of playing Edward Cullen, the super hot, brooding, sexy vampire in Twilight. Before he graced the screen and turned Amy and me into Mrs. Robinsons, he starred alongside another of our favorites, Daniel Radcliffe, in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
Amy: Which is weird, because I didn't really think he was hot in that movie.
Elaine: He was good looking, but the bathtub scene stole the show.
Amy: Agreed.
Elaine: Anyway, Amy and I saw Twilight together, and then saw it apart a few times. The DVD came out two days ago and it's been on nonstop rotation. New Moon comes out in six months, so we begged and pleaded…
Amy: Granted sexual favors…
Elaine: Baked cupcakes…
Amy: I walked his agent's dogs while she was out of town…
Elaine: You get the point. We went through a lot to get this interview. Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Robert Pattinson.
[Clip of Muse song plays once more, a little softer.]
[Rob walks in and Amy bites down hard on her lip to keep from saying something entirely inappropriate. He's clean-shaven, wearing snug dark jeans and a navy sweater. In what can only be a tribute to the fans, his hair is styled like Edward’s. Unlike most first time guests of the show, he doesn’t look scared to be in the studio.]
Rob: Hello!
[Elaine and Amy sit in awe, and several seconds of dead air crackle while Rob puts on his headphones and leans back in his chair.]
Elaine: Whoa. Uh…Hi. Hello, Rob. It's so great to have you here.
Amy: Mmm Hmmm.
Rob: It's good to be here. This is the first interview I've done since the DVD was released.
Elaine: Oh, [a little breathless] we lucked out, there. So, Rob…Tell us what it's really like to be the object of obsession for so many teenage girls.
Rob: Um…surreal. I experienced a taste of it [Elaine whimpers a little] when I was in Goblet of Fire, but absolutely nothing compared to this.
Amy: I heard that you have girls camped outside your apartment.
Rob: Yeah. I stepped outside to get the newspaper in my bathrobe and several of them passed out in my hedges. I had to call an ambulance.
Elaine: Do you miss the freedom to be able to walk down the street and not be molested by pre-pubes wearing those “your scent is like a drug to me” t-shirts?
Amy: Hey! I have that shirt! [Rob laughs at Amy and Elaine giggles at Rob.]
Rob: Well, I do miss the anonymity, but it's a great story and working with Kristen is worth it. And at least it’s not men chasing after me.
Elaine: Good point.
Amy: So, Rob, have you ever heard this show before?
Rob: A lot actually. Whenever I’m in town. Dan still talks about what you guys made him do when he was here. [Grins and nods at the photo on the wall of the RockChicks and a wide-eyed, slightly panicked Daniel Radcliffe.]
Elaine and Amy: That guy will never be the same.
Rob: Probably not.
Amy: So, anyway, if we know that someone has a unique talent, we try to get them to display it on the show…
Elaine: That’s all we were trying to do with Dan… I mean, he was naked in Equus in front of thousands of people. I still don’t see what the big deal was…
[Rob chuckles. Elaine swoons.]
Amy: Me either. So, we know that you play several instruments. Would you mind playing something for us?
Rob: No, of course not. What would you prefer?
Amy and Elaine: Piano.
Rob: Sure, no problem.
[Leon rolls in a Baby Grand piano, mumbling curses under his breath. Rob gets up and stretches his long fingers out as he sits at the piano stool. He takes a deep breath and begins playing Chopin’s “Raindrop Prelude.” Elaine and Amy watch in rapture as his hands slide over the keys. He closes his eyes as he plays and the muscles in his back tighten as he bends over the piano.]
Elaine: [whispering to Amy] Oh my.
Amy: Yuh.
Elaine: [still whispering] I hate you for spending all the money in the FCC jar. I need a bad word!
[Amy shrugs]
[He finishes the piece, bows and returns to his chair as the RockChicks clap. Even Leon looks impressed as he comes out to wheel the piano away.]
Rob: Thank you.
Amy: Wow. Um…Wow.
Rob: My mum made me take piano lessons as a kid. I guess I owe her some gratitude now.
Elaine: Thanks Rob’s mom.
Amy: So, we've been wondering what you think of, uh... plural marriage.
Rob: I thought polygamy was illegal in the states.
Elaine: Polygamy. Rob! We're talking about a mere social contract here.
Rob: Well, I thought you had Joe Perry and Amy had Trent Reznor already.
Elaine: You really DO listen to the show!
Rob: I wouldn't lie about that.
Amy: Uhh...
Elaine: Ames, I'm getting turned on in a way I never expected. He actually listens to us.
Amy: I know! This is the best candidate we've ever had for a third husband.
Rob: Third?
Elaine: Well, Jim and Joe Perry.
Amy: And Matt and Trent Reznor.
Rob: Oh, right. So I guess that makes me the young, pretty one. [smiles wickedly]
[Elaine and Amy moan softly]
Elaine: You know, normally I wouldn't let anyone get away with calling my men old.
Amy: But you're so hot. [Elaine nods in agreement.]
[Rob chuckles. Leon rolls his eyes.]
Elaine: We are so gonna fight over the schedule, Ames.
Amy: Yuh.
Rob: So, can I try something here?
Elaine: Absolutely!
Amy: Do you want to make one of us your spider monkey?
Elaine: Ohh!
Rob: [shaking his head and smiling] Actually, I was thinking of one word answer time. Except I would ask the questions and you two would answer.
Elaine & Amy: Ooh!
Elaine: Let's do it!
Amy: Definitely!
Elaine: I've never done it this way before.
Amy: Me neither.
Rob: I'm honored to be the first. [Another wicked grin, he's too good at that!]
[Elaine and Amy stare, wide-eyed]
Rob: Ok, Twilight.
Amy: Rob. Hot.
Elaine: Bella
Rob: That's interesting. And Amy, I'm sorry, but just one word.
Amy: I'll try.
Rob: New Moon.
Amy: Hot. I mean Rob. I mean Hot. I mean HOTROB. Yeah. HotRob.
Elaine: [trying not to laugh at Amy] Excited.
Rob: Stringing several words together so they appear to be one word won’t work either. Play by the rules or risk getting punished. [grins playfully.] OK…Um…Vampire.
Amy: Rob Pattinson is the world’s hottest vampire. OK. Punish me. Now. [grins]
[Rob busts out laughing. Elaine shakes her head in exasperation.]
Elaine: Ahem… excuse my co-host. She’s on a Mountain Dew kick. It happens. Um…Vampire…hmmm…Strong?
Amy: I liked mine better.
Rob: Dan Radcliffe.
Elaine: Restraining.
Amy: Order.
[Rob nods and unleashes a knee-melting smile]
Rob: Ok, one more. This is to prove that I really do listen to your show. Jon Stewart.
Elaine: [blushing slightly] Handcuffs.
Amy: Olive Oil.
[Silence as Rob stares at the two of them.]
Rob: What in bloody hell did you do to that guy? C’mon…you can tell me.
Elaine and Amy: [resolve weakening] No…
Elaine: [mumbling] Damn court order…
[Rob removes his headphones and goes over to the other side of the table. His voice is muffled for the listeners as he bends down between Amy and Elaine.]
Rob: You’re going to force me to do it.
Elaine: Do what? [Elaine is dazed and her hands are suddenly shaking. Amazingly enough, the Diet Dew Queen is rock solid.]
Rob: Talk like this. [Suddenly starts speaking in the refined, smooth voice he used as Edward.]
Amy: Oh crap. No, don’t do that.
Rob: Please? What’s a vampire have to do to get the truth?
[Elaine emits a little squeak.]
Amy: Alright! Alright. We’ll tell you what happened.
Elaine: If you promise to keep talking in your Edward voice for the rest of the interview.
Rob: I can do that. Now tell me what happened to Jon.
[Rob leans in and the RockChicks whisper the tragic events in his ear. He leans back fast and shakes his head looking, amusingly enough, just like his pal Dan in the photo.]
Rob: Noooo…
Amy and Elaine: Yeah.
Rob: [recovers quickly] How did you get the chocolate syrup off the walls?
Elaine: Oxyclean.
Rob: Interesting. I’ll have to remember that one.
Amy: We keep a stockpile of that stuff in the storage closet. You’d be surprised what it gets off walls and carpet.
Rob: Huh. So, do you still have the handcuffs?
Elaine: Oh, yeah. I’m not gonna just toss a souvenir like that.
Rob: Where are they?
[Amy and Elaine freeze, considering. And also a little distracted by the thought of Rob in handcuffs.]
Elaine: They’re in the emergency caboodle. Why?
Rob: Well, I wanted to see whether they were furry.
Amy: [Eyebrow lifted.] I’m not buying it.
Elaine: Me, neither.
Rob: Why not? [He starts to get up to move back to his headphones and mic, but Amy and Elaine each grab an arm. With amazing speed, Leon appears and reconfigures mics, headphones and chairs so that Rob stays right in between them. Amy and Elaine do not let go of Rob until Leon is done.] I’m beginning to think you girls really don’t need handcuffs.
Amy: No, not so much.
Elaine: But they are a fun prop.
Rob: So bring ‘em out. [the three of them exchange conspiratorial smiles]
Elaine: Tell you what, I’ll make a deal with you.
Amy: This should be interesting.
Elaine: Don’t worry, Ames, you’ll like it.
Rob: Uh oh.
[Amy and Elaine laugh evilly.]
Elaine: We’ll break out the Jon Stewart handcuffs. But only if you promise to come back.
Rob: Ok.
Elaine: AND
Rob: Uh oh.
Elaine: Bring Jasper, I mean, Jackson Rathbone, with you and we all play baseball.
Amy: Ooooh! Good one!
Elaine: I told you you’d like it. [big grin, points to the tattered venn diagram pinned to the wall]
Rob: You know, I’m going to see Jackson, Taylor and Kellan in a few weeks for post-production work.
Amy: [deep intake of air] I'm not sure I can handle all of you in the same place at the same time. My head might explode.
Elaine: Leon, we need you to bring in the contract and also, some chocolate syrup, please.
Rob: Contract? You mean you don’t trust me?
Elaine: Oh, I trust you, Rob. The contract is for our plural marriage.
Rob: I see. So, if we’re married, does that mean I get to come on the show whenever I want?
Amy: You can come all the time.
Elaine: THAT one was SO deserved! But the coming comment was actually pretty tame in comparison to some of the other things that have fallen out of your mouth, so I apologize. This time.
Amy: Thanks.
[Leon walks in with a stack of paperwork and a bottle of Hershey’s syrup.]
Leon: I expect my bonus to be HUGE this year.
Amy:
Elaine: So, Rob…while Amy is perusing the contract, how about I ask you a few more questions.
Rob: Absolutely.
Elaine: Great! So…I heard that you asked Kristen Stewart to marry you several times while filming Twilight. Explain.
Rob: [rolls his eyes] That again. I’m never going to live that down, am I?
Elaine: I’m not asking as an interviewer. I’m asking you as your future plural wife.
Rob: I asked her twice, and it was a joke both times. She’s really hot, though…
Amy: [looks up from the contract, highlighter in hand] Yeah she is! Can we write her into the contract too?
Rob: I don’t think it counts if the person isn’t here to sign it.
Amy: Meh…details. [goes back to the contract]
Elaine: Ahem! So, the marriage proposals were not serious?
Rob: No.
Amy: [head snaps up] I have a question.
Rob: OK.
Elaine: [raised eyebrow] You said you listen to the show, Rob…
Rob: I do, that's why I'm suddenly nervous.
Elaine: When Amy says she has a question like that, it's ALWAYS trouble.
Rob: [winks and stares seductively at them, then in his best Edward imitation:] I think I can keep up.
[both Rockchicks groan]
Amy: Let me preface this by saying that I already had an immense dislike for Tyra Banks because of her whole segment called, "Oh no you didn't, oh yes we did, oh no you didn't, oh yes we did."
Rob: Seriously?
Elaine: I still don’t get how you remember the name of that segment.
Amy: It’s burned into my brain permanently, kinda like the lyrics to Ice, Ice Baby.
Rob: Wow. I had no idea her show was that…annoying. We don’t get it in England.
Amy: Lucky. Anyway, the fact that she asked you to bite her not only inspired a disturbing amount of jealousy on my part, but it also made me wonder how many people you are going around biting.
Rob: She's the only one, BUT…I didn't actually bite her.
Amy: You didn’t?
Rob: No. My lips never actually touched her. It was all camera angles.
Amy: [speechless for a beat] Well, that makes my question so much easier!
Elaine: Oh God, Ames, PLEASE don't do it!
Amy: Oh, I'm doin' it... Rob, since your lovely lips were not soiled by Tyra, will you bite me?
Elaine: ARGH!! I HAD FAITH IN YOU! I JUST LOST 50 BUCKS!...TO LEON OF ALL PEOPLE!
Leon: HAH!
Rob: [chuckling] Of course I will.
[both women stop short and stare]
Rob: Come on, after what you did to Dan and what I now know you did to Jon Stewart [blanches]… I knew it was coming. I'd be happy to.
Amy: Um…yay? I wasn't expecting you to say yes.
Elaine: I don't believe this. We're turning into TRL! And I need a bad word again, damn it!
Amy: You're just jealous you didn't ask him first.
Rob: So, are you ready?
Amy: [whispers] Yes.
[Elaine glares for a moment, but as Rob shifts his body toward Amy, she can't help but be oddly fascinated]
[Rob leans over Amy, wraps his arm around her waist and literally bites her neck, leaving a brief red indent of teeth marks]
Amy: Holy crap… [Amy promptly passes out.]
Rob: Oh no! Is she OK?
Elaine: She's fine. Leon will be out in just a second with the smelling salts. In the meantime, while she's out…
Rob: Uh-oh.
Elaine: If you listen to the show, then you know what I want. [The frustration over losing 50 bucks to Leon is replaced by an incredibly devious look.]
Rob: I do.
Elaine: OK then.
[Rob stands up, steps behind Elaine and bends down to her ear. In a voice that could only be described as sensuous…]
Rob: You better hold on tight, spider monkey.
[Elaine's cheeks flame and her knuckles are white as she grips the side of the table. Amy picks that moment to wake up.]
Amy: Ohhhh…what did I miss?
Elaine: He did it.
Amy: CRAP! I missed it??!
Elaine: THAT is for my fifty bucks!
Amy: Was it everything you imagined?
Elaine: I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
[Amy leans over Rob to give Elaine a high five. Both chicks have huge smiles on their faces. Rob looks a little confused.]
Rob: I’m sorry, what?
Amy: Don’t worry, Rob. Fear of the bathroom means you have done an excellent job.
Elaine: Beyond excellent.
Rob: I’m still confused.
Amy: I think you should tell him.
Elaine: I don’t know. He hasn’t even signed the contracts yet. [looking slightly uncomfortable]
Rob: You told me about Jon Stewart. How could this possibly be any worse?
[Elaine considers.]
Amy: He makes a good point.
Elaine: [sighs and blushes all at once. Rob clearly looks amused.] Ok. But I can’t tell you on the air.
[Rob pulls off his headphones and leans his ear closer to Elaine. Elaine pushes away her mic – just to be safe – and leans much closer than is actually necessary to explain. When she finishes, she sits back, blushing, watching Rob through her fingers. He sits back and crosses his arms, looking very proud of himself.]
Amy: [laughing] See, Rob, I told you it was nothing to worry about.
Rob: [putting headphones back on and still looking proud] Nope. Nothing to worry about there. But I wonder…
[Elaine moans.]
Amy: Yes?
Rob: I wonder if I could render the bathroom fear completely unnecessary. [Shoots Elaine a look that is so lusty it should be illegal, then sends the same look to Amy.]
[There is complete radio silence for three full minutes until Leon finally breaks in.]
Leon: Hey, Rob?
Rob: Yeah?
Leon: While their brains, or whatever, are frying over there, I have a question for you.
Rob: Sure.
Leon: Sooooo… I was wondering if maybe when you come back for the baseball thing, if maybe you could bring Alice.
Rob: You mean Ashley?
Leon: Huh huh huh. [ala Beavis and Butt-head] Yeah. Can you? Please?
Rob: No need to beg, mate. I’ll see what I can do.
[Leon looks happy for the first time ever in all of his years of producing the Rockchicks radio show.]
Amy: [finally coming out of her trance] Sweet. Now we don’t have to worry about his Christmas bonus.
Elaine: Huh?
Rob: Welcome back, ladies. [grins all around]
Amy: Hey, so, Elaine, are you all there yet?
Elaine: Almost.
Amy: Ok, so I think we need to talk about Taylor.
Elaine: [snapping to attention] You’re right. We do.
Rob: What about him?
Amy: Well…
Elaine: AB OFF!
Amy: [laughing] Hold on, sister!
Rob: [looking confused again] What?
Elaine: [to Amy] That would do it you know.
Amy and Rob: Do what?
Elaine: Render the bathroom fear completely unnecessary. There would be absolutely no need.
Amy: I think you’re right.
Rob: [looking very curious] Ok. Tell me what it is.
Amy: Ok, a little back story first, since Elaine jumped the gun.
Elaine: [grinning sheepishly] Sorry!
Amy: Totally understandable. Anyway, Rob. There has been a lot in the press about Taylor buffing up for New Moon.
Rob: Yes. I’ve noticed some of the pictures around the studio.
Amy: And the Twilight movie was excellent about staying true to the book.
Rob: [starting to look impatient] Yesssss
Elaine: And you totally lose your shirt in Italy!
Rob: [chuckling] So it would seem.
Amy: So we were wondering if you were preparing for that the way Taylor was.
Rob: Oh. Sure. But, well, you know, Jacob and Edward have two totally different physiques.
Elaine: But according to Bella, you are both completely built so… [Elaine leans forward to look at Amy]
Elaine and Amy: AB OFF!
Rob: [looking a little scared] Wait, you want to compare my abs to Taylor’s?
Amy and Elaine: Yuh!
Rob: [looking more scared] Now?
[Leon plays some stripper music in the background. Elaine and Amy giggle.]
Amy: Hey, if you wanna take your shirt off, I’m not gonna stop you.
Elaine: Uh unh.
Rob: Ummm. You haven’t signed the contracts?
Elaine: PENS! WHERE ARE THE PENS!
Amy: [shaking out contracts, looking for a pen] Gah!
Rob: [mumbling under his breath] I have a whole new appreciation for Dan’s fear.
[Leon turns up before either of them can call him with a box of blue pens. Rob is suddenly wide-eyed with fear.]
Rob: Leon. You’re a guy. You’re supposed to be on my side!
Leon: Sorry, they sign my paychecks. And I hope this doesn’t make you change your mind about Ashley.
[Elaine and Amy furiously sign and toss papers back and forth to each other. It takes no more than one minute for them to have all of the contracts signed, initialed and stacked in front of Rob. Rob is shocked, but appears to be collecting his thoughts.]
Rob: [with pen in hand, pulling a contract toward him] OK. I’ll make another deal with you.
Amy: We’re listening.
Rob: This bathroom thing. It’s important that I do that on my own. I can’t go and let Taylor take partial credit for that.
Elaine: Ooh a man, who likes a challenge.
Amy: I can appreciate that.
Rob: [signs the first contract, Elaine and Amy both take a deep breath] So. I think you give me a chance to achieve that first, on my own.
Elaine: A reasonable request.
Amy: But we still want to see the abs.
Rob: [holding up his hand in between signing] If I can’t render the bathroom fear useless by the time we all come back for baseball, then I will convince Taylor to do an in-person…uh…“ab off.”
Elaine: Oooohhhhh
Amy: Uhhhh. Will we get to touch?
Rob: [doesn’t look up from the contract] You guys want wake-up calls? [shaking head, but signing anyway] We’ll have to negotiate with Taylor, but I don’t have a problem with it.
Elaine: Ames, this is our best interview ever.
Amy: I know, we should just call it a day now.
Rob: And miss baseball? [signs the last contract with a flourish]
Amy and Elaine: HELL NO!
[Leon appears again before he can be summoned to notarize the contracts. Before he leaves the room again, he puts a jar of Oxyclean on the table near Amy. Rob raises an eye brow. ]
Rob: Since we aren’t skipping baseball, shall we go practice our swinging? I mean, swings, ladies?
[Rob’s song “Never Think” begins playing, and the RockChicks are so engrossed in him that they completely forget to close the show. They leave their headphones on the table and follow Rob out the studio door, one on each side, Elaine having enough sense to grab the chocolate syrup on her way out. Rob puts a hand around both of their waists and looks a tiny bit dazed, but mostly very proud that he survived the RockChicks intact.]
[After everyone has left, the show is still on the air. Rob’s song ends and Leon looks up to find no one in the studio. Seeing a rare opportunity, he runs in and slaps the headphones over his head]
Leon: Um… hi. This is Leon. I just wanted to say…
[Amy and Elaine pop their head in the studio door]
Amy: AHEM! What are you doing?
Leon: Nothing!! Have a great help me day folks they’re crazy and catch the RockChicks again tomorrow at 7 AM! See ya!
